I’m not as beautiful as the title implies. I’ve changed a lot in the last 20+ yrs or so. I used to be ugly and I used to hate me. I think I’m kinda beautiful now.
I’m actually not conceited at all, nor cocky and definitely not arrogant. But I am beautiful. Really beautiful. Not physically, not really anyway. I don’t think I’m ugly though but I mean I’m not like a super model or anything like that. I have knobby knees and bad skin and wrinkles are setting in and an awkward nose that I’ve hated all my life. Yup, I’m far from beautiful on the outside.
But I’m beautiful. Please don’t hate me though. Once you hear my story, you’ll get it.
There was a time I was ugly. Outside. I was picked on in elementary school for being a “negro” (I’m a dark skinned Italian), I have ridiculous curly hair, a big gap between my teeth. I mean I was just ugly and had hardly any friends. That stayed with me all through high school, though by then, being a “negro” was kinda cool. I had bad skin, I was scrawny and I was just a little ugly jerk.
By the time I hit 18 or so, suddenly the ugliness shed and I started actually becoming slightly pretty-ish. Boys started to look at me. Guess I couldn’t have been that ugly anymore. I had developed into a pretty nice looking young adult.
It Got Uglier – I think I hate me
It (meaning me) got much uglier. Into my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s I was ugly. SO ugly. Ask any of my sisters. I was mean and selfish and greedy and ignorant. Plain and simply, I was a cold hearted ugly person. Oh yes I was. I was actually quite pretty by then on the outside. My hair was sexy and long, my skin had cleared, the gap in my teeth was kinda sexy and I had a smokin’ hot body. I was kinda beautiful actually. On the outside. And I knew it and flaunted it like I was some Queen Bee.
The inside was a seething dark ugly cesspool of ego, selfishness, misery, greed, vanity, hate, anger, you name it, I was it. The absolute worst part of that was I could not care less. To hell with all you guys. I’m the most important thing on the planet right now and I will get what I want no matter who I have to trample on or use to get it.
Yup, I was ugly.
Mirror mirror on the wall
One day I looked in this mirror on the wall. I had been through two bankruptcies, countless number of boyfriends, closed up business, physical, verbal and emotional abuse and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was someone who was so broken. Someone who I have grown to hate. So tired. So done with this person and this life and this misery.
I saw a sad and lonely girl. No one to love and no one to love her back. I saw a girl who was so broken that it was almost pointless to even go on anymore.
I saw an ugly broken girl who just wanted love, peace and joy. I had just entered my 50’s.
Get the Windex!!
It was time to clean. There was lots of cleaning to be done with no clue how long it would take. It didn’t matter. I was still young right? There’s still plenty of time for me to clean up my soul and all the hate in it and become all sparkly clean and brand new like the way it was before the world screwed me over. There was time.
And I cleaned and cried and cleaned and cried. I made amends and apologized to anyone I had to for being the jerk that I was. But first and foremost, I had to apologize to me. I had gotten to a point where I had hated me so much it wasn’t even funny anymore. I needed to learn how to love and forgive myself for all that I did.
I also had to learn how to love, not only me but, the world around me. I had to learn to appreciate and love people all around me. No judging. Helping and caring for other humans. Unconditionally. I had to learn how to be patient and kind and caring. And I did.
The more I polished, the better I was getting until one day, I looked in the mirror and the person looking back was so beautiful it made me cry. It took her quite a bit of time to get all sparkly clean again but she did.
And she’s so beautiful.
And the beauty glows all around her. But that’s just from the inside. So please don’t hate me because I glow and I am beautiful. It took me a long time to get this way and it wasn’t an easy journey. Beauty isn’t only on the outside. The best beauty is the one that comes from inside.
We are always so jealous of other people. We want what they have, they are better, they are happier, prettier, richer, whatever. But remember, we all have a story, many untold, about how we got to where we did. We should also remember not to be so quick to judge. If you judge, you have no time to love. Also remember, people do change, when they want to. If they want to.
Damn, girl, you look mighty fine today! 😉
Peace and Love
(this post contains affiliate links so if you make a purchase I make a small commission but the best part of that is the more I make, the more hungry bellies I can feed here in Guatemala-win win!!)