(perhaps this is another blog that isn’t for the faint of heart)
I’m a badass. Really. Through and through. I am. Or…wait. Am I?
I’m a softie. Really. Through and through. I am. Or…wait.
What the fuck am I anyway?
The bad side.
Well, to say it’s a bad side is slightly inaccurate unless you believe that:
- swearing too much for my own good and
- drinking way too much tequila one night a week
determines that as a bad side then it’s bad. But really. The swearing is just me. I actually tried to not swear for a whole day and that was the hardest day of my fucking life.
I have a teeny tough girl side I guess. Sometimes I can get in my “don’t fuck with me” zone and then spot a cute kid on the street and turn into Mary Poppins in a split second. So I dunno.
The “bad” side is really more of a bad-ass side. Like, I’m not a bad girl and I don’t break many laws (many being the key word here) and I’m not mean to people or anything like that. I just have this little ‘tude thing going on sometimes. (and I seriously swear an awful lot)
The good side.
Ah and then there’s the Angelic Iva. The “I love everything and everyone and don’t judge” person. The girl who would do anything she can to help you even if it meant giving you my last dollar or my last morsel of food.
The good side is the girl who takes a huge chunk of her income, every month, and buys food for the hungry. The good side is the girl who would gladly lend her ear if you needed someone to talk to.
The good side is the girl who has a *really* hard time saying no to anyone about anything (ok, almost anything) because she really doesn’t want to see anyone suffer or sad.
The good side is the girl who gets on her knees every morning to say Thank You God for another day and to ask for guidance and strength when I need it. She also drops into the Church about 3 times a week and says a prayer for whoever she feels needs it most at that time (though, in all honesty, she mostly is praying for herself )
Who the fuck are you anyway?
The struggle is real. I still, though I know I really shouldn’t, question myself about my actions. Should I be swearing like that? Should I be drinking that much? Should I seriously be going into the whore house on a drunken Saturday night? Should I should I should I be conforming to society’s rules?
What will the people think?? What will the people think? What will the fucking people think?
I don’t care!!!! (shit, but I do)
Be a good girl. Well, dammit, I AM a good girl.
I do good, I feel good, I radiate good, I give out good and receive good.
I also like to go out once a week and totally let loose and have fun and be free and enjoy life. Oh and I also like to get tattoos and the odd piercing. You know what, while we’re at it, every now and then I even smoke a joint (don’t any of you even think of gasping here). We’ve all done something that doesn’t conform to society.
So what of it?
And this is what gets me. I struggle with the “what am I anyway”? Am I a badass with a soft side or softie with a badass side? Which side of Iva should I put on today? Do I have to tame the lion in her today or will she behave on her own?
Oh and wait, why do people want to judge me?
WHY do people want to look at me and then snub their nose because they think I’m trash? (I honestly had some woman here, immediately upon being introduced to me, give me the once over and turn her head in disgust)
WHY do people want to point their fingers and whisper behind my back “oh you should have seen her Saturday night, she was so drunk!!”
WHY are people shocked when they see me leave the church when just last week you were sure she was giving some tuk tuk driver the finger and yelling to him to “learn how to fucking drive you douchebag”.
And why do I care? Why do I really care what I am anyway? But most importantly, I still wonder why I sometimes care, even a teeny weeny bit, about what other people think?
I am me.
I am a good person. I love who I am. I think I am beautiful inside and out. I fucking love my life. I fucking love people. I laugh a lot. I smile a lot. I cry a little. I love being alone. I love being with my friends. I love adventures. I love tequila and margaritas. I love kids. I love God. I don’t hurt people. I forgive. I trust. I love. I don’t hate. I love really loud music and singing at the top of my lungs. I like fast cars and UFC. I also love Vikings. I love animated movies as much as I love horror movies. I pray about three times a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. I swear a whole fucking lot.
I…I think you get it now…
I AM ME!
The point of all of this is this:
Be YOU. Don’t try to FIT in or blend in. Do what makes your heart happy. Do what makes YOU happy. Be a badass. Be a good person. If you already are, keep at it. Live your laugh for YOU!. Break rules. Be daring. Live on the edge. Do shit that absolutely terrifies and excites you at the same time. Be badass. Be ballsy. Do that thing that you’ve always wanted to do. Break chains. Throw the book out! Liberate yourself. Follow your heart. Fulfill your purpose and passion. Tell someone to Fuck Off! (ok wait, maybe don’t do that)
You get my point. This is YOUR life. Do YOU! The way YOU want.
Because life is TOO damn short and FUCK what everybody thinks or says. Go Live!!!
(phew, wait, was that a rant?)
Peace and Love