We all have our reasons. We stay in shitty relationships for longer than we should. Click To Tweet Many of us simply think it’s just gonna get better. We all know it never does. We play the *should I stay or should I go* game for weeks, months and even years. Mine got played for years. Almost 8 of them to be exact.
What did you just do?
The first sign of a douchebag move makes us cringe. We can’t believe he/she just did that. I thought he loved me! What the fuck was that? Why did he do that? I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve that.
Our mind is reeling with a million questions and no answers. What have we gotten ourselves into? Is this an isolated incident? He surely didn’t show any of signs of this ridiculous behaviour before we moved in together.
Of course it is. He/she just apologized and it will never happen again. Right?
Is this really happening to me?
This was supposed to be true love. A perfect love. He was perfect for me in the beginning and ticked off all, oh wait, most of the boxes. I mean there was that one or two he didn’t quite make the cut on but you compromise, right? We’re not all perfect and we come with flaws.
I clearly remember him telling that he “never” does that. Only assholes do that and he swore up and down to not be one. Can I handle this? I can’t. This isn’t the way I want to live and I am realizing now this is not the person I want to be with anymore. I have to go. But where? When? How?
I have nothing.
This is really happening to me. Again.
So why am I staying?
I’m staying now for many reasons. I’ve left him before and I was scared, unhappy, struggling, lost and broke. I’ve left him many times and every time he begged me to come back. Promised me the moon, stars and eternal happiness. He promised we would get help and things would get better. So why am I staying when I don’t believe any of this anymore. Not one single word.
- Broke. I have little money. My job is barely paying my bills. I need him to support me financially. I can’t do this without him.
- Scared. I don’t know what to do or how to even make proper choices on my own. I’m afraid for my rent, my bills, being alone, everything. I can’t do this without him.
- Struggling. It’s an emotional and financial struggle. I hate this feeling of anxiety I am experiencing daily because the struggle is overwhelming and consumes me. I can’t do this without him.
- Lost. I don’t know what to do or where to go or what’s gonna happen to me next week, month, year. I’m lost with no direction. There is no schedule and no order. I’m lost and nervous. I can’t do this without him.
- Unhappy. I really really fucking hate being alone. I hate not having a man in my life to complete me, control me, protect me, provide for me…I just hate this whole “you’re on your own now so what’s your next bright idea” feeling. I’m unhappy, incomplete, and lost. I can’t do this without him.
- Hope. Because a teeny tiny part of me desperately wants to believe him when he says things will get better. I want him to be “the one” that he appeared to be when I first met him. I have hope that this just might work, it has to work. I can’t do this without him.
So why did I leave?
The dark deep hole inside of my heart was killing me. Sadness, anger and a wee bit of hatred was starting to fill my soul. Fast. The ache in my heart and soul was tormenting me. The daily chore of putting on a smiling face and pretending that everything was ok was starting to take its toll on me.
I had reached a point of complete devastating misery and I lost Iva. I had a reached a point where I knew with every ounce of me that if I ever wanted to be happy, I had to leave. There was no more holding out. It was time. Dig deep, have faith, pack your shit and get the fuck out. I can’t do this with him.
With no money, no job, no belongings, nothing but what was left of my pride and tons and tons of faith, I left. And I haven’t looked back, not once. Ever.
Because this life of mine, the happiness I seek and deserve…I can’t get that with him.
Love you first.
Hey you. Just go love yourself and don’t ever let any asshole treat you like a piece of shit. YOU are amazing and deserving of true happiness, love and freedom.
I love you.
Peace and Love