5 Reasons Why Our Hearts Eat Lies and How to Stop it.

They do. We don’t like to admit it but they do. We believe lies and a lot of them. I know it’s not just me. Our hearts eat lies and it’s kinda pathetic. Really it is. Let’s get to the real truth as to why this happens, or should I say 5 reasons!

So why do we torment ourselves like that? Why do we keep letting our hearts eat lies? Is there any satisfaction in it? Does it make us happy? Do we feel good doing it? I can’t answer that for you, but I know for myself there’s a temporary happiness attached to it. Yup, pathetic.

So I recently just had my heart eat lies again and in all honesty, I’m still reeling from the pain of that one. Oh it was a doozy this time. So why did I do that? Why do we keep doing that? Well I’m no psychologist but in my experience this is why I believe we let our hearts eat lies.

The real truth in 5 reasons

I’m lonely dammit.

Topping the list is, what I feel is the real truth, the #1 reason why eat lies. We’re lonely and there’s no shame in admitting it. I’ve been in Guatemala for 2 years now and the dating scene for women my age is almost non existent so when I do meet someone new that I’m attracted to it’s balls to the wall for me. It fills that lonely gap. Whether or not he’s good or bad for me doesn’t matter at the time. My heart will eat this lie for temporary happiness (one day I’ll be able to cure myself of this).

Trauma, triggers and torment.

We’re scarred by them still to this day but the crazy thing is we let ourselves get wrapped up in them even though we know we are way more deserving. But you see the thing is, we’re used to it. We know what to expect and how to handle it. Whether we like it or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re pros at dealing with them. Why change that?

Learning to deal with something other than what we’re used to is scary. We don’t like scary, we like comfort. Ammirite?

I’m not worthy.

Sound familiar? Self worth is frustrating. We hold our heads up high knowing that we are worthy. We are awesome. We are enough. Dammit we are….but then our heart gets fed a lie and we eat it up because, that gap, remember? That darn gap is bigger than our self worth at times. Yup, it’s frustrating for sure. The real truth is that we forget our worthiness for the sake of attention.

The struggle is real. I am worthy, I need affection. Good grief!

It’s not that bad.

Boom there it is. How many times have you said that? Oh I’ve been through worse, this one’s ok. He’ll/she’ll do. At least he/she isn’t as bad as my ex!

Oh I’ve said this more times than I wanna admit. That gap! I mean let’s face it, our ex’es were the spawns of Satan. This new person isn’t that bad. I can handle whatever shit they throw at me. I can handle their brokenness and their baggage. I need attention dammit.

Make me feel good please!

I just want to feel good and I want someone to do that for me. I mean, I can make myself feel good too. Honest I can (and I don’t mean just sexually here). I love who I am and I think I’m a pretty decent person. I have lots of friends who make me feel good and happy.

We know it’s not the same. That’s not what we’re after. The real truth is that we want affection and attention and someone to hold hands with and rub our backs and all that good stuff that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. At this stage of our loneliness, we’ll take whatever we can get.

Yup, pathetic lot we are.

So now that we know the reasons why we let our hearts eat lies, what do we do about it? Keep feasting? Well we could but why would we want to? Remember the burning question was “where’s the satisfaction in that”?. It’s all temporary happiness.

Are we not deserving of more? Are we not worth more than a bunch of lies? Isn’t it permanent happiness we are after?

Of course! But all that comes with a little bit of internal work. We have to believe we are worthy. We have to know we deserve more. We have to set boundary lines (ugh) and stick to them! We have to love ourselves so much that others know how to love us.

But that gap. Time to fill it up with self love. Love yourself so fucking much that that gap closes up tight and never reopens again.

Bartender, another drink por favor!

Hey Iva, I fucking love you!

Peace and Love


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An Open Letter to My Ex.

Your love was like looking in a mirror: My soul reflected back to me. Only, I didn’t realize it. That is why it hurt so badly when you didn’t look back. I never chased myself, so why would you? Loving you was work.

When you disregarded my feelings it was just me overlooking myself. I always put others first so why wouldn’t you. You loved me like I loved myself: Not at all.

When you looked at me, I was seeing myself reflected in your eyes. I made it okay for you to devalue and belittle me. I wasn’t worth it in my own eyes, so why would you think differently?

I was merely a damsel for you to fuck and throw to the wayside. I didn’t respect me. Why would you?

I was living in a false mindset that if I led with sexuality everything else would fall into place. No wonder love was so gut wrenching.

Now I am raw and real. Loving myself.

Take it or leave it because I’ve got me and I am loving me.

I don’t need you to validate me. I don’t need you to complete me. I don’t need you to be the glue that holds me together.

I’ve got me.

If you want to disrespect me, ignore me, devalue me, then brace yourself. I’m not taking that shit anymore. I don’t do it to myself anymore so you surely won’t be allowed.

I am my own true love. I am everything I need all bundled into one fucking awesome package.

It all makes sense now that I’ve been awakened. I will be the one to heal myself. You can do whatever you like but it won’t be by my side.

I yearned to have you back in my life. Sobbed my eyes out hoping you would think of me and miss me. Ask me back. I begged you to talk to me so we could work it out.

Thank God you didn’t call me or text me. Thank God you told me to “move on.”

At first I moved on in the way I always told my girlfriends to: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” I spread my legs and gave myself away to even more men who saw me for the reflection I was projecting: worthless, something to be used.

I drank myself into a stupor. Stopped eating and cried endlessly, longing for your validation.

I even thought about running my car off the side of the mountain. What was the point in living? I couldn’t see beyond the fog of my despair.

Then a sliver of light shined through my darkest of days. It pierced into my heart and soul and slowly started a fire.

Now an untamable flame burns deep inside.

It cannot be smoldered. I see me.

I see me in all my nakedness. I see me in my raw power. I love every scar on my flesh. I love every stretch mark on my thighs. I love every freckle on my body. I love me.

I won’t be tossed aside as a forgotten lover. I won’t tolerate disrespect. I won’t be ignored. I won’t react with hatred or even cause a scene. But when I disappear from your life, you will know why. If you don’t love me the way I love me, I don’t have time for you.

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I love me today, tomorrow and always. I am awesomely me.

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Rachel Johnson is a former journalist who has always found healing through words. She resides in North Carolina where she is rediscovering herself and opening up to love, joy and abundance.


How to Let Go, Forgive and Move On From the Past

So easy to say. Moving on. Letting go. Forgive and Forget. People tell us to do it all the time, like it’s nothing. It’s nothing, right? Ah, he/she/they didn’t mean to do that. Just forgive, forget and move on. Are you serious? It’s hard to deal after the trauma, amirite?

Right. What’s the big deal anyway?

Well, the big deal is that it really fucking hurts, our hearts are broken into a million trillion pieces and we’re still not sure how he/she/they could have done that to us when they told us they loved us.

Moving on with forgiveness

Well of course you can. It’s not easy to do. It’s also not impossible to do. It will take time, guts, determination, strength and courage. Oh, and a whole lot of practice. Practice and more practice.

But really, why should we forgive? I mean, why do these people or that person deserve my forgiveness anyway?

Why do they? They don’t. YOU do. WE do. WE deserve to forgive these people.

Let’s take mom and dad for example. They liked to hit. A lot. More than was necessary. Often brutal forces. Out of the blue. Whenever they thought I did something bad enough to deserve to be beat and whipped til I was screaming and begging for them to stop. Yup. So did I forgive them? Of course. Was it easy? Nope. And to be perfectly honest, it didn’t happen until just a few years ago.

And then there were all the ex boyfriends who cheated, lied, emotionally and verbally abused me. Yup, forgave all them too. And the guy, who was supposed to be my friend, who helped himself to $1000 of my money without telling me. Yup, you guessed it. Forgave him too.

But Why, Iva, Why?

So how do you forgive people like that? Moving on and letting go from people like that, how do you do it? People who claimed to love you, took care of you, kept a roof over your head, etc. How? And why? Why would you forgive monsters like that? (I would not call them monsters but some people might)

Because the pain and anger of carrying around the hate and resentment was too heavy a burden to carry. I carried it around for over 40 years. It ate at me and tore my heart and soul apart.

Because it robbed me of the happiness and peace I deserve.

Because there was such heaviness and blackness in my soul the only way to get rid of it was to release the hatred and the only way to do that was through forgiveness.

Can We Forget?

Well, unless you are some magical being or you had your whole history wiped out and erased from your hard drive, then I’d have to say no. We don’t forget. We never forget. It will always be there. Do you dredge it up and talk about it all the time or do you just leave it buried and only talk about it when necessary. Moving on is necessary.

Do you recount your trials to help people or to reclaim your victim status? That’s the difference right there. You see?

I used to bring it up all the time so I can hear people say “Oh poor you”. Yup, pretty pathetic really. Then the forgiveness kicked in. Now I bring it up to try to get people to see that forgiveness is possible.

Oh right, getting back to the *forget* part of this. Every now and then the guy who ripped me off crosses my mind, but I just send him healing love and prayers. He needs it. Then I let that go. Every now and then I think about my ex’s and all the shit they did to me. It’s so rare though I can practically say I hardly ever think of them anymore. And my parents? One dead, and one has their foot in the grave. I rarely even think of them anymore at all.

So do we forget? Nope. I don’t think so. But with forgiveness, when we think about it, it just doesn’t have the same poisonous effect it used to. Now it’s just a fleeting memory. It’s nothing, mostly.

The things I went through and lived through helped me to be the strong person that I am today. Strong, brave, courageous, accepting and loving, very loving.

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Because really, all the world needs is more love.

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Peace and Love



The Short Man Conundrum: I Found the Solution in the Shower!

I was in the shower the other day and usually I don’t do much thinking in there. My usual thoughts in the shower go something like this…”I wish my shower head had more pressure.” “My God I lose a lot of hair!” and “A bathtub would be heavenly right about now”. You see, my thoughts in there are usually pretty boring and mundane. BUT…

The other day I was in the shower and for some reason, this crazy thought about short men hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a revelation. It actually kinda surprised. Surprised me in the sense of where the fuck did that thought just come from?. Ya, like that.

It hit me hard. And I finally figured out where the short man/tall man thing I had always been fixated on came from…Grab your coffee.

How tall are you?

For all my adult life, my dating adult life, I always wanted tall men. The taller the better. If you were under 5′ 11″ go away or at the very least have something REALLY spectacular to bring to the table to make up for your height. Ya, I was that bad. Borderline pathetic really. On dating sites (don’t judge) I never checked any of the boxes under 5′ 11″. Never. If you weren’t tall, we weren’t happening. That was actually in the top 3 of the must have list. Don’t be a drunken douchebag, be tall, and don’t be married. Top 3. (I know, my standards were high)

My friends would sometimes say to me, “good God Iva, why do they have to be tall? What’s the big deal?” The funny thing about that, is that I never really had a good answer. I had many reasons why I thought I liked really tall men. Why did I like tall men? Good question.

It’s my secret.

I secretly knew why. I didn’t want to admit it to anyone.

I felt safe. The taller the man, the safer I felt. The taller the man, the more protected I felt. The taller the man, the smaller and the more of a delicate flower I felt I was. I was meek (ya, who knew?), little, scared and vulnerable. A tall man made the whole world all right for me. A tall man was my mighty warrior. I was the Fair Maiden, he was my Knight in Shining Armor. Oh and wait, if he was tall and heavy, like maybe even a tad overweight, the better. THEN I was really safe.

What a warped way to think.

That’s what hit me in the shower. This revelation happened.

Look how big I am now.

After I left my last relationship I did a whole lot of soul searching and self discovery. Like a whole year of it and I’m still going through it. I imagine I will for the rest of my life. But anyway, the second guy I dated after I left “John” was short, very short, like almost the same height as me short. And it suddenly didn’t matter. I suddenly didn’t give a fuck how tall or short or round or thin he was. It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t even make it on the list of “must haves” anymore. Why?

Because I stepped into my own power and self confidence. I stepped into who Iva really is and what she is all about. I found my self love, self esteem, self worth and all those other self things and suddenly I realized I didn’t need a Knight in Shining Armor to save me. I didn’t need saving by no man. Not this girl.

I SO got this shit!

As I grew and evolved and learned and found love for myself, I suddenly became the tall person. I was the “Knight (or Priestess? or Queen? I dunno, what do you call her?) in Shining Armor” I was tall and proud and smart and awesome and larger than life. I wasn’t submissive, meek, scared or fragile anymore. I was strong, powerful and a force to be reckoned with.

I found me. I so got this shit. All of it. I didn’t need a tall man. Actually I found I didn’t even need a man at all. The “need” part was gone. I had finally gotten to the point where it was a matter of want over need. Yay me!! I did it.

I overcame the fear and I overcame the thought that a man was going to make my life better and save me. I finally realized the only person who could save me was me. And I did just that.

I also realized that a man in my life now would be to compliment my already great life. It would be to grow and learn together. He would be my partner in crime, my soul companion, my friend.

And I don’t care how tall, or short, he is. I’m totally ok with who I am now.

Calgon, take me away.

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Peace and Love