Loving Me and Hating You-An Open Letter to My Ex.

Your love was like looking in a mirror: My soul reflected back to me. Only, I didn’t realize it. That is why it hurt so badly when you didn’t look back. I never chased myself, so why would you? Loving you was work.

When you disregarded my feelings it was just me overlooking myself. I always put others first so why wouldn’t you. You loved me like I loved myself: Not at all.

When you looked at me, I was seeing myself reflected in your eyes. I made it okay for you to devalue and belittle me. I wasn’t worth it in my own eyes, so why would you think differently?

I was merely a damsel for you to fuck and throw to the wayside. I didn’t respect me. Why would you?

I was living in a false mindset that if I led with sexuality everything else would fall into place. No wonder love was so gut wrenching.

Now I am raw and real. Loving myself.

Take it or leave it because I’ve got me and I am loving me.

I don’t need you to validate me. I don’t need you to complete me. I don’t need you to be the glue that holds me together.

I’ve got me.

If you want to disrespect me, ignore me, devalue me, then brace yourself. I’m not taking that shit anymore. I don’t do it to myself anymore so you surely won’t be allowed.

I am my own true love. I am everything I need all bundled into one fucking awesome package.

It all makes sense now that I’ve been awakened. I will be the one to heal myself. You can do whatever you like but it won’t be by my side.

I yearned to have you back in my life. Sobbed my eyes out hoping you would think of me and miss me. Ask me back. I begged you to talk to me so we could work it out.

Thank God you didn’t call me or text me. Thank God you told me to “move on.”

At first I moved on in the way I always told my girlfriends to: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” I spread my legs and gave myself away to even more men who saw me for the reflection I was projecting: worthless, something to be used.

I drank myself into a stupor. Stopped eating and cried endlessly, longing for your validation.

I even thought about running my car off the side of the mountain. What was the point in living? I couldn’t see beyond the fog of my despair.

Then a sliver of light shined through my darkest of days. It pierced into my heart and soul and slowly started a fire.

Now an untamable flame burns deep inside.

It cannot be smoldered. I see me.

I see me in all my nakedness. I see me in my raw power. I love every scar on my flesh. I love every stretch mark on my thighs. I love every freckle on my body. I love me.

I won’t be tossed aside as a forgotten lover. I won’t tolerate disrespect. I won’t be ignored. I won’t react with hatred or even cause a scene. But when I disappear from your life, you will know why. If you don’t love me the way I love me, I don’t have time for you.

I love me today, tomorrow and always. I am awesomely me.

Bio:

Rachel Johnson is a former journalist who has always found healing through words. She resides in North Carolina where she is rediscovering herself and opening up to love, joy and abundance.

rachel

Moving on From the Past. How to Let Go, Forgive and Forget.

So easy to say. Moving on. Letting go. Forgive and Forget. People tell us to do it all the time, like it’s nothing. It’s nothing, right? Ah, he/she/they didn’t mean to do that. Just forgive, forget and move on. Are you serious? It’s hard to deal after the trauma, amirite?

Right. What’s the big deal anyway?

Well, the big deal is that it really fucking hurts, our hearts are broken into a million trillion pieces and we’re still not sure how he/she/they could have done that to us when they told us they loved us.

Moving on with forgiveness

Well of course you can. It’s not easy to do. It’s also not impossible to do. It will take time, guts, determination, strength and courage. Oh, and a whole lot of practice. Practice and more practice.

But really, why should we forgive? I mean, why do these people or that person deserve my forgiveness anyway?

Why do they? They don’t. YOU do. WE do. WE deserve to forgive these people.

Let’s take mom and dad for example. They liked to hit. A lot. More than was necessary. Often brutal forces. Out of the blue. Whenever they thought I did something bad enough to deserve to be beat and whipped til I was screaming and begging for them to stop. Yup. So did I forgive them? Of course. Was it easy? Nope. And to be perfectly honest, it didn’t happen until just a few years ago.

And then there were all the ex boyfriends who cheated, lied, emotionally and verbally abused me. Yup, forgave all them too. And the guy, who was supposed to be my friend, who helped himself to $1000 of my money without telling me. Yup, you guessed it. Forgave him too.

But Why, Iva, Why?

So how do you forgive people like that? Moving on and letting go from people like that, how do you do it? People who claimed to love you, took care of you, kept a roof over your head, etc. How? And why? Why would you forgive monsters like that? (I would not call them monsters but some people might)

Because the pain and anger of carrying around the hate and resentment was too heavy a burden to carry. I carried it around for over 40 years. It ate at me and tore my heart and soul apart.

Because it robbed me of the happiness and peace I deserve.

Because there was such heaviness and blackness in my soul the only way to get rid of it was to release the hatred and the only way to do that was through forgiveness.

Can We Forget?

Well, unless you are some magical being or you had your whole history wiped out and erased from your hard drive, then I’d have to say no. We don’t forget. We never forget. It will always be there. Do you dredge it up and talk about it all the time or do you just leave it buried and only talk about it when necessary. Moving on is necessary.

Do you recount your trials to help people or to reclaim your victim status? That’s the difference right there. You see?

I used to bring it up all the time so I can hear people say “Oh poor you”. Yup, pretty pathetic really. Then the forgiveness kicked in. Now I bring it up to try to get people to see that forgiveness is possible.

Oh right, getting back to the *forget* part of this. Every now and then the guy who ripped me off crosses my mind, but I just send him healing love and prayers. He needs it. Then I let that go. Every now and then I think about my ex’s and all the shit they did to me. It’s so rare though I can practically say I hardly ever think of them anymore. And my parents? One dead, and one has their foot in the grave. I rarely even think of them anymore at all.

So do we forget? Nope. I don’t think so. But with forgiveness, when we think about it, it just doesn’t have the same poisonous effect it used to. Now it’s just a fleeting memory. It’s nothing, mostly.

The things I went through and lived through helped me to be the strong person that I am today. Strong, brave, courageous, accepting and loving, very loving.

Because really, all the world needs is more love.

Peace and Love

Iva

(this post contains affiliate links and I may make a small commission if you make a purchase)

 

Why Empaths Attract Toxic Partners (and how to stop it).

Empaths love to help others. They’re always trying to see the best in people. They give others the benefit of the doubt, while they also take responsibility for their actions and still apologize when they know they have hurt someone. Empaths believe that others are good, decent, and fair, as well. Even their toxic partners.

These are some good signs, but, unfortunately, not always.

Toxic partners

Empaths deal with problems when they connect with individuals who have motives, and patterns of behavior that are completely foreign to them. These individuals might be driven by a need for money, power, or fame and attention. They put their needs above everyone else’s, and they never apologize as, in their minds, they’re never wrong. If they hurt someone in the process of their getting what they want, that is just the price of doing business.

That’s what a toxic partner is. While not everyone is a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist, many of them are. Therefore, it does not hurt to approach them all with equal caution. If you’re an empath and you become involved with such a toxic person, then remember that you are setting yourself up to be abused, or misused, or generally mistreated.

Why empaths attract toxic partners

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Why empaths attract toxic partners

The reason for this attraction

Empaths attract others, especially toxic partners because not only they take responsibility for themselves, but they’re also prone to take responsibility for others.

If empaths think – or are lead to think – that their partner is upset, angry, hurt, because of something they either did or did not do, the empaths will take on the responsibility for fixing it, even if the other person becomes abusive.

The empaths will effectively absolve the other person of all responsibility for anything they did by blaming themselves.

Of course, toxic people are more than glad to let empaths do that. Even when confronted with their manipulative behaviors, toxic people will twist whatever happened around so that the empaths appear to be the ones to blame.

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Why empaths attract toxic partners

How to turn the table

So, empaths, let’s get a grip. You’re not responsible for how everyone else feels.It’s not always your fault.

You’re not the only one responsible for “fixing” a relationship. You’ll never understand why a toxic person mistreats you until you know that: toxic people are nothing like you! They’re not nice people, they don’t feel responsible for how they behave, and they are not fixable.

Once you resign from your self-assigned positions as Mother Teresa and give responsibility back to the ones from whom you’ve voluntarily taken it, you won’t attract toxic partners anymore.

This article was originally titled The Truth Behind Why Empaths Attract Toxic Partners and How to Change That. and published on Thinking Humanity. It is re-posted here under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

 

10 Reasons an Alpha Female Makes the Best Girlfriend!

A strong alpha female might seem intimidating at first, but there’s more to her than just her fiercely strong persona. The alpha female, if you dare dabble, is the best girlfriend you’ll ever have. I’ve been called an Alpha Female on more than one occasion. I think part of me is and part of me isn’t though. It’s like I have my AF moments. Anywho….

Here are 10 reasons why an alpha female makes the best girlfriend!

 

1. She’ll Always Be 100% Upfront With Who She Is.

You never have to guess if she’s putting on a front just to reel you in because she doesn’t really care what you think. She’ll be her authentic self because she lives by the mantra, “Take me as I am, or watch me as I go.” She holds her dignity in high regard and doesn’t feel the need to act innocent and fragile just to avoid scaring you off.

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10 reasons why alpha females make the best girlfriends

2. She’ll Challenge You To Be A Better Man.

 

If there’s anything her man wants out of life, whether it’s a project or a goal he’s working towards, she’ll push and support him in his pursuit of obtaining it. She wants her partner to succeed, too, because she knows it makes them a better team when they’re both winning.

 

3. She Lives Life In The Fast Lane, Which Makes Being With Her Fun.

 

She maximizes her downtime as much as her crunch time. When she’s not working her ass off to better herself, she’s enjoying life in the best ways she can. She’s not the homebody type and would rather go out and be social, hike a mountain, or jet off on a trip to make fun and lasting memories than get into a sweatpants-and-couch rut in her relationships.

 

4. The Alpha Female Wants You, Not Needs You.

 

She doesn’t need a man to provide for her in life because she provides for herself. This means if she’s with you, it’s purely because she wants to be with you. There’s nothing more sincere and amazing than a woman who truly wants you around even when she can rock the game of life on her own.

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10 reasons why the alpha female makes a good girlfriend

5. She Won’t Nag You To Get Shit Done.

 

If you forget to do things that need to be done from time to time, she won’t waste her time getting in your case about it. Instead, she’ll figure out a way to get them done on her own. She has better things to do with her time than nagging her partner about petty things.

 

6. She Won’t Give Up On The Important Things.

 

She won’t throw in the towel on her relationships at the first sign of struggle because struggle is her middle name. She faces all challenges head-on and she won’t hesitate to find ways to improve the life you share.

 

7. The Alpha Female Makes The First Move Without Hesitation.

 

Sex with an alpha female will always be amazing because not only does she genuinely enjoy passion and intimacy, she’ll actually be the one to initiate most of the time. Sometimes after a long hard day of killing it, she just wants to rip off the clothes of the man she cares about. And she’ll always leave you wondering when she’s about to jump you next.

 

8. You Don’t Need To Worry About Her.

 

If she goes out with her girls or has to take a trip somewhere without you, you don’t need to worry she’s going to be faced with any damsel in distress moments, or that you’ll need to rescue her from any situation. She’s a woman, not a princess; she’s got this shit handled.

 

9. She Won’t Let Herself Go.

 

The alpha female likes to be on point, always. This goes for her career, her health, and her looks, so you don’t need to worry about her falling into any lazy ruts or that eventually, she’ll be rocking nothing but sweatpants and a messy bun for days on end. She’ll have lazy days like any other woman, but they won’t last long because she can’t stand not being the best version of herself she can be.

 

10. She’s Extremely Loyal To The Ones She Loves.

 

When she’s in love, she has her boyfriend’s back in every way, shape, and form. She’ll challenge you to be the best version of yourself while taking care of anything you need in support along the way. She views her relationships as priceless partnerships and just like her go-getting attitude about her life overall, she’ll strive to make your duo the best possible team you can be together. Because she doesn’t live a mediocre life, she only wants what’s amazing. If she’s with you, you must be pretty amazing to capture her heart and attention.