Struggling With Jealousy After a Divorce? Help is here!!

You know that feeling. Some of us know it all too well during divorce and after divorce. When one of your grown children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” that is at your ex’s house.Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe while you’re struggling to make ends meet.

Ah, jealousy.

The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own divorce recovery. You’re not alone when it comes to dealing with jealousy, especially after a divorce. And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion.

Jealousy is selfish.

Have you ever known someone in your life that was always “me meme” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Well, jealousy is like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over.

And instead of focusing on yourself, jealously is there instead, being all, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the things they’re doing that are amazing!”

What benefit is it to you to be focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is it to you to be thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over?

You already know the answer. Being jealous is of no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce?

The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why.

Jealousy is also lazy.

You know what’s easier than working on yourself?

Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it.

One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things beyond our control.

And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spend focusing on the most important thing—YOU.

It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex” than to focus on your own finances and schedule, and plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget.

It’s easier to say, “That jerk already has a new partner! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track.

See what I mean?

Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move on. It’s a lot easier to remain bitter over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms.

But I’m jealous! So what am I supposed to do?!

I know, I know…you’re human and you may be hurting, especially if your marriage lasted decades.  But there’s something you can do about it.

Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity.

The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.

  • Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.

“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”

  • Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.

“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because I feel like financially, I cannot treat myself.

  • Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?

“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go…sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.

How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy? And what actions can you take to overcome it?


Author Bio

Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce coach whose website “Surviving Your Split“shows readers the secrets to navigating and recovering from divorce so they can move on faster and with more confidence. To receive your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by right now or drop Martha a line at [email protected].


Divorce Was Not The End For Me (but the beginning)

Divorce is scary as shit. No one ever wants to think that their loving partner is now someone they no longer want to be with. Read this great post by guest author Lauren on how she handled her marriage and her divorce.

It happened 3 yrs ago

I felt alone. Lost. Confused. Unloved. I remember these feelings as if the moment I am writing about were yesterday, even though it was actually three years ago.

Three years ago I walked away from my marriage and got divorced – I left my husband, apartment, and my belongings – even my car. I had nothing left. And I felt as if I had failed the world.

I got married at the age of 22. Young I know, right? Everyone told me I was making the biggest mistake when I first got engaged, but I didn’t care. I was determined to succeed and prove to everyone who didn’t believe in me that this was the right decision.

I remember when the relationship started to go south, my heart was focused on making it work. Even though my gut was telling me that this relationship was truly wrong for me, I stayed. I was so afraid of letting everyone down… I was afraid of disappointing our families, afraid of disappointing myself.

“See, I told you,” they would probably say. “I knew it wouldn’t last.”

Divorce doesn’t mean failure

But what I realize looking back on the moment I walked away, is that I didn’t fail at all. I actually succeeded in an incredible way. I became a person I am truly proud of after ending my relationship – a person that wouldn’t exist if I had stayed.

I met my x husband at a time in my life where self love was impossible for me: I had been recently assaulted, sexually abused by a man before, and was very scared of being with other people, and also being alone. I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t feel valued. Finding my ex husband gave me those feelings. This man I came to love filled a hole in my life, a hole that I should have learned to fill for myself.

But there came a point where I realized that no relationship – no person – would ever replace the love or respect I should be giving to myself every single day. There was no person in the world who could give me what I needed to give myself – love, understanding, and worth. That point came when our relationship ended: when he put our relationship on the back burner for his drug addition.

And then my world came crashing down …..

His drug addiction, which had been a secret to me all those years together, was slowly exposing itself. Our money was disappearing and the lies were piling up. I was finally coming out of my shell, into my confidence, and learning to love myself again, when he turned my world upside down.

The person who was once my rock and comfort began to fall. He was no longer my trusting companion, but a stranger. And I realized I had a choice: I could leave and continue to grow into my own – or I could stay and fall with him.

So I left. And I was so scared. I felt every bit insecure and uncertain in that moment. I was now all alone, with nothing but a few boxed up possessions and no one but myself.

I thought that feeling of failure would never go away. I thought that giving up on my marriage meant that I was incapable of being loved in the way I really wanted. I was so scared at the thought that I would be forever alone and would never find what I was searching for.

Looking back, it was the most valuable experience of my life. Just because a journey ends, doesn’t mean that it was a mistake to start it in the first place. In fact, my decision to get married was just as much a good decision as getting divorced was.

Being married taught me that relationships should be about love. It taught me the value of simple qualities like caring for someone, sharing a life with someone, being a team together. Being honest with each other. By having a relationship lacking in those areas, I learned how important those values were to me. It pushed me off the rollercoaster of destructive relationships and made me a women who will not settle for less.

And my divorce? That taught me that no relationship could ever make up for a lack of love and respect for myself. It taught me that no one else’s love for me could ever make up for loving myself. Most importantly, it pushed me off the trail of making decisions just to make other people happy – and rolled me into a path of self-discovery.

Years later, I am smiling. I am confident. I am loved – loved by myself, and by a wonderful new man who shares the same values as me. I didn’t end up alone. I didn’t end up without confidence. I ended up with so much more than I started with.

So follow your heart. Because whether you are walking away or committing, if your heart is guiding you, it is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. I needed to do both of those things to learn to love myself. I can’t think of a more wonderful lesson to have learned.

And worrying about what other people think? I gave up on that goal a long time ago. It’s B.S. anyway. Other people’s opinions are irrelevant. Other people don’t have to live my life every day and other people should not dictate how I live it.

You Are All You Have. So Live a Life that makes you proud of that.

Author Bio:

Lauren Cioffi is the creator and blogger for  – the website dedicated to helping women find confidence, beauty and love within themselves. When she isn’t making strides to inspire other women working on What is Perfection, Lauren loves feeding her photography addiction, going on long hikes, trying new fun workouts at the gym, and cuddling up on the couch to a good Netflix doc. She Lives in Connecticut with her boyfriend, two puppies, and an abundance of true happiness. Come follow her and get inspired through her Facebook page and the What is Perfection Instagram page!

5 Breakup Rules That Will Save You From a Ton of Grief.

It’s break up time. Good grief. You were sure this guy/gal was the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Remember those first few months when everything was so beautiful and full of love and roses and sweet love making? What happened and when did it happen? Breaking up sucks and it comes with tons of grief.

We are now ready to break up, or have already. If there were rules in the relationship that got broken, take note. There are definitely rules in the break up. These rules should not be broken. Ever.

You think you two are going to still be friends.  Right? Whose idea was that. Let’s just be friends. It never works. That will only work if you guys live two countries away from each other. So what are the top 5 break up rules? Pay attention.

Here are 5 rules that will save you a ton of grief.

Delete delete delete.

And you know exactly what I’m talking about. Phone number, email address (unless you need that info for lawyers or children). Any way you can to contact this person, delete it. Otherwise you are just going to end up driving yourself crazy. Why aren’t they answering your text? How come they are ignoring your phone messages? Did they receive my email? Why won’t they reply? You wanna know why? Because they get the break up rules and they really don’t want to maintain contact with you. Get the hint. Leave them alone. Stop driving yourself bat shit crazy, and move on.

Their friends.

Read that again. Their friends are their friends. Not yours. Now sometimes it is possible to maintain a friendship with them even after the break up but if you do, do NOT ever ask how your ex is. Actually don’t talk about your ex at all with them. and don’t maintain a friendship so you can spy on your ex. That’s just wrong and that’s not very nice, really. Grow up. Move on.

No bashing.

And I know that’s really hard to do. Trust me I get it. It’s fucking hard to not bash their name to anyone who will listen BUT please refrain. No matter how bad or evil they were. No matter how poorly they treated you. Be the better and bigger person. Remember you stayed for as long as you did because there was some good in there too somewhere. No bashing. Let it go.

No whining.

I did this. Oh how I did this. Endlessly. It was exhausting and I’m surprised I have friends left. Don’t call all your friends and whine and cry and complain every day about the break up. If you need to talk about it, call the one or two friends who love you to smithereens and don’t mind listening to you and then have a hug and a drink. But for the love of God and everything holy, don’t go on and on to anyone who will listen about how bad your life is now that so and so dumped you. You will just be known as the whiner and no one will want to be around you.

Don’t look for a replacement right away.

You know, that whole rebound love thing. Ya, that. Don’t do that. It’s just a bad idea. You aren’t ready for a new love. Whether you think you are or not, trust me, you aren’t. You need to do a little bit of work on yourself. Go over what happened and why. Think about who you are and how you can avoid this kind of thing from happening again. Plus, you may need to work on some self love. Jus sayin’.

Yes, breaking up sucks. Big time. But if you follow some of these rules, or all of them, the break up may go smoother than you think. Always remember why you guys broke up in the first place Click To Tweet. Did your partner lie or cheat or abuse you? Some of these behaviours don’t go away without therapy. Never go back to that. You deserve better. Don’t forget that. You are worthy of respect, trust, appreciation and true love. Click To TweetWe all are.

Hello me, I sure do love you.

Peace and Love


Why You Need to End That Toxic Relationship Today

It’s been dragging on for far too long. One of you is content, the other is miserable.  The latter is you. You’re not sure how much more of this pretend life you can live. This relationship was over a long time ago. Your partner thinks life is grand. Work, home, eat, watch TV, go to bed, maybe have sex, maybe not. Who cares? They don’t. You walk around like an emotionally void zombie, smiling on demand. Playing happy wife (husband) when you have to. When does it end? Can it? Will it? Should it? Read on to find out what happens when you finally end that toxic relationship.

Many of us stay in loveless relationships because leaving is hard and scary. I was that person. I stayed for many reasons.

  • I had nothing else
  • I had nowhere else to go
  • I convinced myself it wasn’t that bad (others had it WAY worse than me!)
  • I’m just being ungrateful for everything I do have
  • How is he going to be able to live without me

Things were bound to get better

Oh I had a list of reasons longer than my arm as to why I should stay. I fought to hold on for longer than I should have because I was sure things were going to get better. We had a fight, we talked about it after, he said sorry. “Babe I love you, sorry, it’s just that….” <insert excuse of the week. After a really bad fight I’d have to write out an email or letter so he would really get it. Pour out my soul.

But he always said sorry and I love you. That means things can only get better, right? I held onto hope. I mean, they couldn’t get worse, could they? How much more toxic could this relationship get anyway?

It’s time to leave this toxic relationship…

Then one day, it was just time. I couldn’t do it any more. It was building up. 6 months of build up. Actually it was longer, maybe 2 years of build up. By the time I was ready to leave, time meant nothing. It didn’t matter how long I’ve been enduring this life.

All that mattered was that I was finally leaving this toxic relationship. A life of turmoil, insecurities, lies, volatile love and charades was coming to an end. I didn’t know what was going to be on the other side of this life for me. I was scared out of my fucking tree. That’s what I knew for sure.

But I knew it was gonna be scary. It was time to face fear head on and just push. This relationship had to end. There was nothing left in it for me. It was pure poison. There was love. Some love. But too little, and certainly not enough to hang on to any more. He had some good, just not for me.

Much to my surprise….

And then I did it. I packed my stuff, what little I had, and left. I knew there wasn’t going to be any turning back, ever. And I felt this huge wave of relief wash over me. It was like a tsunami, really. Like a tsunami of emotions. I was sad, I was happy, I was angry, I was so fucking mad at him.

Why couldn’t he change to suit me? Why couldn’t this work? Why did it have to be like this? I had nothing. Inside or out. I was empty, broke and had nothing to my name. No wait, I had two things, really..

And then something else happened. Life opened up for me. Freedom. A freedom I have never known in my whole life. A freedom that called my name, loudly. It wasn’t just a whisper any more. Freedom was yelling at the top of its lungs.  “Iva, it’s about fucking time!”

And I embraced life like I never have, ever before. And life was beautiful. And so was I. I wasn’t all those things I had been told for so many years. I was better than all that and I was about to prove all that to myself.

It’s all about me now

I get to do things I’ve always wanted to do and never did, right down to eating cereal for dinner and staying up late and sleeping in on the weekends. I also got to find out who I am. Who I really am. What my purpose and my passion is.  I answer to myself only, and God. I do the best I can with what I have and my best is to help mankind.

Bartender, please salt the rim and top it with a slice of lime.

Peace and Love