5 Reasons Why Our Hearts Eat Lies.

They do. We don’t like to admit it but they do. We believe lies and a lot of them. I know it’s not just me. Our hearts eat lies and it’s kinda pathetic. Really it is.

So why do we torment ourselves like that? Why do we keep letting our hearts eat lies? Is there any satisfaction in it? Does it make us happy? Do we feel good doing it? I can’t answer that for you, but I know for myself there’s a temporary happiness attached to it. Yup, pathetic.

So I recently just had my heart eat lies again and in all honesty, I’m still reeling from the pain of that one. Oh it was a doozy this time. So why did I do that? Why do we keep doing that? Well I’m no psychologist but in my experience this is why I believe we let our hearts eat lies.

I’m lonely dammit.

Topping the list is, what I feel, the #1 reason why eat lies. We’re lonely and there’s no shame in admitting it. I’ve been in Guatemala for 2 years now and the dating scene for women my age is almost non existent so when I do meet someone new that I’m attracted to it’s balls to the wall for me. It fills that lonely gap. Whether or not he’s good or bad for me doesn’t matter at the time. My heart will eat this lie for temporary happiness (one day I’ll be able to cure myself of this).

Trauma, triggers and torment.

We’re scarred by them still to this day but the crazy thing is we let ourselves get wrapped up in them even though we know we are way more deserving. But you see the thing is, we’re used to it. We know what to expect and how to handle it. Whether we like it or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re pros at dealing with them. Why change that?

Learning to deal with something other than what we’re used to is scary. We don’t like scary, we like comfort. Ammirite?

I’m not worthy.

Sound familiar? Self worth is frustrating. We hold our heads up high knowing that we are worthy. We are awesome. We are enough. Dammit we are….but then our heart gets fed a lie and we eat it up because, that gap, remember? That darn gap is bigger than our self worth at times. Yup, it’s frustrating for sure.

The struggle is real. I am worthy, I need affection. Good grief!

It’s not that bad.

Boom there it is. How many times have you said that? Oh I’ve been through worse, this one’s ok. He’ll/she’ll do. At least he/she isn’t as bad as my ex!

Oh I’ve said this more times than I wanna admit. That gap! I mean let’s face it, our ex’es were the spawns of Satan. This new person isn’t that bad. I can handle whatever shit they throw at me. I can handle their brokenness and their baggage. I need attention dammit.

Make me feel good please!

I just want to feel good and I want someone to do that for me. I mean, I can make myself feel good too. Honest I can (and I don’t mean just sexually here). I love who I am and I think I’m a pretty decent person. I have lots of friends who make me feel good and happy.

We know it’s not the same. That’s not what we’re after. We want affection and attention and someone to hold hands with and rub our backs and all that good stuff that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. At this stage of our loneliness, we’ll take whatever we can get.

Yup, pathetic lot we are.

So now that we know the reasons why we let our hearts eat lies, what do we do about it? Keep feasting? Well we could but why would we want to? Remember the burning question was “where’s the satisfaction in that”?. It’s all temporary happiness.

Are we not deserving of more? Are we not worth more than a bunch of lies? Isn’t it permanent happiness we are after?

Of course! But all that comes with a little bit of internal work. We have to believe we are worthy. We have to know we deserve more. We have to set boundary lines (ugh) and stick to them! We have to love ourselves so much that others know how to love us.

But that gap. Time to fill it up with self love. Love yourself so fucking much that that gap closes up tight and never reopens again.

Hey Iva, I fucking love you!

Peace and Love

Iva

 

Dealing With the Holidays and Relationship Breakdowns.

Stressing about the holidays? Here’s what you need to know.

By Martha Bodyfelt

Well, Thanksgiving is done and we’ve survived Black Friday.

But we’re not through the holiday abyss yet.

Which means we’ll most likely be dreading the stress, craziness and visions of perfection shoved down our throats.

For many of us, the holidays can feel dark, lonely, and stressful—especially if we are going through or recovering from divorce. And instead of looking forward to the beautiful decorations, smell of baking pies, and holiday songs on the radio, we instead may feel triggered by sadness.

So this week, I wanted to give you all a few pointers to remember as you navigate the next few weeks.

You may be going through divorce or recovering from divorce right now, but that doesn’t mean this season has to make you feel worse.  Moving on from divorce and our lives does not mean that we cannot enjoy the holidays. In fact, we can even make them better than over before when we remember the following.

Manage expectations, but remain optimistic.

For years, we have been inundated with people telling us how the holidays “should” be. It could be from watching impossibly staged meals on cooking shows. It might be from pictures we see in the media of the perfect holidays, or from family members who say “but we’ve always done it this way.”

We have been taught to do whatever everybody else wants to do. Often, we have never learned to imagine how we want the holidays to be for ourselves.

So, it’s no wonder why we feel lonely or stressed when we are spending the holidays alone!

These unrealistic expectations of perfect holidays and families getting along have conditioned us to feel as if we are not up to those standards. We feel that we are wrong, and that we’re not celebrating the holidays “the right way.”

You have worked too hard over the years and deserve more than to get sucked into the idea that you’re doing the holidays wrong. This year, it is time to envision what the best holiday season means for you, regardless of where you are in your life.

If you are alone, you are still worthy of celebrating the season any way you like. A change in family circumstance does not mean you are sentenced to feel bad. It just means that you are now given an opportunity to decide how you want the holidays to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Your selective memory may be your worst enemy.

When we are alone, we tend to think about the times when the family was together, when the marriage was strong, and when the holidays were “perfect.” We’re all guilty of remembering our past holidays when we were still married as perfect. It’s easy to fall into this trap when we are divorced.

But what we forget are all the things that weren’t great during the holidays when we were married. When we shut those not-perfect memories of family holidays out, we are subconsciously setting ourselves up for failure. We are holding our current holiday mood up to an impossible ideal of selective memories that may not be correct.

We do this when we are feeling down, trying to imagine a happier time.

This way of thinking does not serve you because you are holding yourself to an ideal that is impossible to attain. Making yourself feel guilty or resentful or longing for the past will not serve you this holiday season. The only way to start loving the holidays again is to reclaim for yourself… now.

How to actually embrace the season instead of dreading it.

During the holidays, especially the times when you were married or raising a family, you were probably so caught up in trying to please others. You were almost certainly trying to make things so perfect that you never took the time for yourself.

But overlooking your own needs stops now.

This holiday, especially if you are spending it by yourself and are worried about being lonely, gives you a unique gift. This season, you get to ask yourself and do something for yourself that you may have never had the opportunity to do before. You get to choose the season for yourself.

The first steps to learning to love the holidays again begin here. Celebrating you in this chapter of your life starts by answering the following questions. Ask yourself:

What do you really want to do?

What will give you joy this holiday season?

What steps will you take to get there?

That is all you must ask yourself. These answers do not have to be complicated. You are not required to spend a lot of money on them.

Now is your chance to reclaim the holidays.

Shaking off your loneliness and reclaiming the holidays is all about taking care of yourself for a change. This is the year that you can say “no” to the things from holidays past that you have not enjoyed and that bring you stress, such as traveling, seeing toxic family members, spending too much money.

This is also the year where you can pick the traditions that you love and throw out the rest. This is the year that you can define what a joyous season means to you and choose to celebrate how you want to celebrate.

And learning to love the holidays again, even if you are divorced, starts with kicking those unrealistic expectations to the curb and ignoring the selective memory that plays tricks on you.

These new few weeks can be the season that you finally recognize that you deserve holiday joy and happiness and you have the power to define that on your own terms. Will you accept that gift?

Author Bio

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their heartbreak with less stress and drama, so they can move on with their lives. For your Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or drop Martha a line at [email protected]

Website:

http://survivingyoursplit.com/

 

5 Self Love Tips For When You Are Hurting.

Breaking up sucks. Losing a job sucks. Falling out with a friend sucks. Really, anything that makes our heart sad, just sucks. I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I’ve lost businesses, money, friends, relationships, jobs, you name it, it’s gone.

Now I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me. Oh hell no. I don’t even feel sorry for me. I had what I had and now it’s gone. C’est la vie. I’ll tell you though, immediately after the loss, the heartbreak is almost crippling, ammirite?

I can’t even count how many times I’ve curled up in a ball on the floor and sobbed my eyes out hoping the end would come soon. Yup. I have. I’m sure many of you have as well. Thank God we don’t we stay there, right? Phew.

So how do we love and honour ourselves again after a big heartache or let down? How can we soften the blow or better yet, help to shorten the time we mourn?

I’m all about self love and I believe that the more we love ourselves the easier it is to get over hurts. Here are 5 simple self love tips that have gotten me through the worst of times in my life. I hope some of them will help you too, either now or in the future.

Date night

With yourself. Take yourself to a movie or a coffee house or for dinner or wherever but go out. By yourself and though some may argue and say this is depressing, trust me, it’s not. It’s actually very therapeutic. Why? Because you get to do some serious self reflection and it is during this time you will discover that you really are amazing and you are going to be ok. You’ll see. Put on your sparkly earrings, your favourite dress and get out of the house. You never know who you may meet while you’re out!

Flowers!

When was the last time you treated yourself to flowers and honestly, who doesn’t love a fresh bouquet on their dining room table? If you can’t really afford to treat yourself to a beautiful arrangement from the florist then go out into the fields and pick some flowers there! Flowers have the ability to cheer anybody up in two seconds. A joy that can last up to two weeks really!

What’s on your bookshelf?

Haven’t read a book in a long long long time? Well maybe now’s the time. Doesn’t have to be a romance novel unless that’s your thing. I prefer to read self help or motivational stuff and usually on my iPad. When was the last time you sat in your cozy chair or curled up in bed with a good book and a nice cup of tea? Might be time. It will certainly take your mind off of things and shorten the mourning time.

Dear Me, I love you.

Love letter anyone? Have you ever written yourself a love letter? This is probably the most heartwarming and beautiful thing you could ever do for yourself. I love doing this and do it often. Write a letter to yourself telling yourself how much you love you and how awesome you are and amazing and all that other good gushy stuff. Pour it on thick. No holds barred. Write for as long as you want. Then read it back to yourself. You’re gonna wanna marry yourself after this one!

Accept, Acknowledge and Release

You’re not perfect. Nothing is permanent. Not everything works out the way we imagine it in our minds. The sooner you realize and remember this, the sooner you will heal. Remind yourself that no matter what happened, it happened for a reason. There was a lesson to be learned. Don’t beat yourself up over whatever happened. It’s not your fault. Acknowledge that too. You’re not perfect. We are all still growing and learning. Bless and learn the lesson, love yourself for growing stronger and wiser.

And release it. Do this as often as you have to.

Too many times we find fault in ourselves when things go wrong. We are not to blame. Things just happen. Life happens. We don’t have control over everything but we can control our emotions and reactions to things. Remember, it’s definitely ok to cry and break down, we need to do that. Just don’t stay there.

Dear Me, I love you. You’re awesome.

Peace and Love

Iva

 

 

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