Last Updated on 2 years by Iva Ursano
Let’s talk about love. I love love and everything about love. Just the thought of it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. But, love isn’t always roses. Sometimes love comes with a bunch of toxic relationship red flags but we choose to ignore them.
Sometimes, love kinda makes our hearts sad. We give all we have to one person only for it to go unnoticed, unappreciated or worse yet, unreturned (ya, that’s a word). We see signs we ignore. All. The. Time.
And you know, these signs aren’t subtle or sneaky. Oh hell no, they are in your face, smack you upside the head kinda signs.
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Ignoring red flags in a relationship because we want to see the good!!
Why oh why do we continue to do this? Ignore the red flags. I can answer this one honestly for myself. Because I love love and I love to be loved and I will ignore anything that even remotely hints at anything bad because I just wanna see good, and love.
And oh, the red flags I have ignored. Honestly, I can be such a dodo brain sometimes. Anyway, moving right along….
Are you guilty of ignoring red flags in a relationship too? (be honest) Have you ever ignored any of these ones I will discuss in a moment? I have. When will I learn, really?
I was reading a great article awhile back on Psychology Today about red flags in a relationship. You can check it out here. Abigail Brenner MD really nails it.
You might also like this article on relationship paranoia:
Why do we ignore the warning signs?
Honestly I think there are many reasons why we choose to ignore red flags in a relationship but for me, some of the reasons are:
- it’s not that bad
- I’m not perfect
- we all have flaws
- I can deal with this
Fact of the matter is, it’s a red flag for a reason. It’s a sign that this behaviour could possibly be a trigger for us from something in our past or to remind us that we need to work on our self love, self worth and self confidence more.
These articles might help you with that if you’re still struggling with self love/worth/respect/confidence.
5 toxic relationship red flags
Though I’ve only listed 5 toxic relationship red flags there are many many more to be aware of. Keep in mind we all have triggers as well from our past and when we first start dating you need to pay attention to these as well.
Though it’s part of your past, it still plays a part in your present and future dating.
There are many more excellent articles on the internet about relationship red flags so please Google them and learn more about this.
1 Drinks too much
He/she drinks more than you are comfortable with. Ok, so let’s just come out and say it. They are alcoholics. There, I said it. Now this may seem like an obvious one, and who in their right mind would date an alcoholic if they are really against that kinda stuff (guiltily raising my hand over here)? Mm hmm. I did it.
I still shake my head at this. BUT in my defense (oh here she goes) he really is such a nice guy and so much fun when he’s not drinking (facepalm).
If this is a red flag that you are ignoring, please stop doing that. I know you probably think they are gonna change or quit drinking for you. It won’t happen, ever. They will quit drinking for them, not for you. You can’t fix their brokenness so please don’t try.
Also keep in mind that some alcoholics will never admit to being one. They insist they don’t drink too much and that they can control their alcohol. We all know the truth.
2 Being dishonest
Remember the very first lie? Pay very very close attention to this next line. Read it a million times if you have to.
If they lie once they will continue to lie.
Read it again. One more time. At the first lie, run away, far far away as fast as you can. Honestly I think this could be the most important and dangerous red flag in a relationship.
3 They are very controlling
The control freak. You have noticed on a couple of occasions that this is a thing. Oh, I know I get it, they have all these amazing qualities but they like to control you a little bit. Just a wee bit right?
Maybe they sincerely want you to do something else because it may be in your best interest (or maybe they want you to do something else because it’s in their best interest).
No one ever has the right to control you and don’t give anyone that much power over you, ever. Never ever. When you pass over control of your life to someone it is really hard to get it back. Trust me on this one.
Lay down the boundary lines immediately and let this person know you are in control of your life but thank you for the “suggestions” (hehehe).
You should check out my self help eBook store. There are quite a few books on relationships and self confidence/self esteem/self worth/etc. Click here to grab the eBook you need or the image below.
4 Very small friend circle and poor family relations
Very few friends (like almost non existent) and no good family relations. Now you’re probably wondering why this would be a red flag. Well, think about it for a minute. No one likes them. Why not? What’s the problem?
They diss their family at every chance they get. They have no outside circle of friends to hang with. Why? Loner? Introvert? Jerk?
I’d question this, push a little more for info on this one but I’d be leery. Very leery. Now sure, that could just be me being paranoid but I dunno about that. That’s a red flag for me.
5 Toxic personality traits
Watch the personality traits. If any of these traits pop up, I’m backing away..
- judgmental (this is a big “runawaynow” trait)
- self centered
See the pattern there. All negative traits and very ugly traits. This girl is getting out. I have no time in my life for ignorant people. And remember we talked about fixing people’s brokenness? Ya, you can’t do that here either. You can certainly show them how to not be any of those ugly traits but it’s up to them to change them. Not you.
Check out this post on negative people you should avoid:
or this one on narcissist traits
or this one on signs of disrespect in a relationship
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and are having a difficult time breaking free this course by Kim Saeed is for you! Click the link here to check it out or the image below.
Early red flags in relationships
Have you and your partner just started dating exclusively? Have you just started this relationship and maybe you missed some warnings? When we first start dating someone, we are all always on our best behaviour. It usually isn’t until we both decide to commit to each exclusively that red flags show up.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. Many of us simply don’t see or aren’t aware of early red flags in relationships mostly because we just brush them off and don’t give them a second thought.
What do you do when you see red flags in a relationship?
Do you automatically run away (like we all should anyway!)? Do you address them with your partner or leave them be and see how things play out? For me, and this may sound totally off the wall but I like to keep things open and honest with you, if I meet someone or am in a relationship with someone and a red flag pops up it kinda makes me sad.
I go through this whole “oh damn, not again” thing. I get an icky feeling in my heart and my stomach. But, I forge ahead anyway in hopes that this red flag could possibly be tolerable or that it’s the worst thing this person does.
Know what I mean here?
Do you have any of these toxic relationship red flags?
Let’s be real. No relationship is perfect. When we love someone enough, we do whatever we can to make it work, right? But when is it time to let go? How do we know if we should keep holding on or should we be moving on? There are lots of questions to ask yourself if you’re having relationship problems.
I’m no relationship expert but I’ve certainly had my fair share and I’ve learned a lot along the way.
The best advice I can give is to follow your gut feelings and your heart. If it feels wrong or bad or if you are constantly sad or frustrated, it may be time to move on. We can’t fix everyone or everything. It’s not our job.
Our job is to be happy and to seek inner happiness. If the relationship problems you are experiencing are too much for you to handle and you’re no longer happy and feel there’s no hope, it may be a sign to let go.
Pay attention to the red flags in a relationship
There are probably a million trillion red flags in a relationship out there we shouldn’t ignore but these are my top 5. I get that being lonely sucks, trust me, I get it. But for the love of God and everything Holy, please don’t sacrifice your morals and standards for love (ya, don’t be like me).
I’m not a relationship therapist but if I had to give you one great piece of relationship advice it would be this: Trust your gut and if something is no longer making you happy, it’s time to move on. Your happiness is the number one thing you should be concerned with. No one else’s. Just yours.
Too often we lose ourselves in relationships and just accept things as they are because we don’t think we can find better or deserve better.
I’m not perfect, I’m still learning but I’ve also learned to draw my boundary line a little thicker these days.
Peace and Love
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