I’m no stranger to dealing with narcissists. My mother was one as were a few of my boyfriends. For some reason, they gravitate towards me. Or wait, maybe I’m still learning how to repel them? Either way, I’ve had my fair share in my life. I was fortunate enough to get away from all of them.
Phew. That was hard enough in itself but healing from narcissistic abuse can be even harder. Or is it?
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Dealing with narcissists
You know, after every narcissistic encounter I always find myself having the “talk” with myself. Iva you knew that’s what they were why did you continue? Iva, why do you keep attracting, or allowing, these people in your life? When are you going to finally realize you are worthy of so much more?
I can’t say that I beat myself up over it but it comes pretty close to that. Independent of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve been through it seems I still have a long way to go and so much more to learn. Not only about boundaries and setting healthy ones, but also about my self worth.
For some reason, it just always manages to fall to the wayside.
I try to turn a blind eye when dealing with narcissists. I know what they are and recognize their narcissistic behaviour but I have a tendency to just ignore it and suffer the punishment afterwards.
I know, not a good thing.
Falling into the narcissistic abuse cycle
Seriously, how stupid can I be?
I wonder how long it will take me to finally catch on to this lesson. Narcissists are no good for you. You are worth more. Run away. You gotta admit, that’s a pretty solid lesson. It’s kinda in your face.
So what’s my problem? Why am I having such a hard time with this one? Why do I stay in and keep falling into the narcissistic abuse cycle?
I see life and just about everything in it through rose coloured glasses. I flutter around like a butterfly, sprinkling pixie dust and smiles everywhere I go. I’m also a Libra so, in all honesty, I’m doomed no matter how I look at it.
Why? Because I strive for peace and harmony, I despise conflict and I hate being the one who takes the assertion action to stop things.
With that said, I let people walk all over me. Pathetic, I know. Thank God I finally found the key, or should I say, two keys, to healing from narcissistic abuse.
There’s good everywhere, isn’t there?
Of course, there is. Even in really bad things, there’s good. I look for the good. I find the good. When I do that, it’s easier for me to turn a blind eye to the bad, no matter how much it hurts. I’m really not that stupid.
Narcissists aren’t totally nice people but they’re not totally evil either (don’t throw rotten tomatoes at me…this is my opinion only).
There is good in everyone. Even if it’s just a teeny sliver of good, it’s there.
See, I focus on that. I hold on to that. I cling to it in hopes that this person will also see the good and maybe change a wee bit. Ha!! Did I just say that? Hope they change because I see good in them. Is that like a control thing?
We can’t fix everyone
I’m not really, a fixer, though I think I am. Mind you, at this stage of the game, I am finally realizing that I can’t fix people, no matter how hard I try or want them to. I need to accept them as they are and either move on or stick around for whatever crap comes my way.
I so desperately want to fix people and make them see their mean ways. Make them see and understand how their actions hurt people. Why can’t they see this? If only they would just listen to me.
But I can’t and they won’t. I’ve learned to accept that. The only fixing to be done now is to heal from these narcissists.
Narcissists think their actions are ok
I’ve come to realize that many of the narcissists in my life grew up with narcissists. That’s the only behaviour they know. They think it’s ok. They also don’t care much about hurting people’s feelings. They also need love and I’m really good at giving love.
I have to tell my heart that I knew what I was getting into but I plunged in anyway. I have to remind myself of the lessons that were laid out for me and to learn them. I also have to work more on my self worth.
For me, the healing from narcissistic abuse is in the growing, learning, identifying and loving myself a little more. We tend to lose ourselves in the abuse and forget that we deserve more.
It’s about learning self care and honouring myself. It’s about loving my heart and who I am. Reminding myself that I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m just a woman who loves to give love and give everyone a chance to be good. I take all the goodness and fond memories with the narcissist and move on. I hold only the good in my heart now. The bad has no place there.
Healing from narcissistic abuse comes from doing these 2 things
The healing from narcissists for me comes in loving and forgiving. Not only the narcissist but myself as well.
I have to send them love and hope they heal from whatever demons are eating at them. I have to love myself enough to know that I’m ok with who I am and I’m just a loving caring person who wants people to heal from all their trauma.
The world doesn’t need more angry hateful people. The world needs more love. When we can openly send healing love to those who need it the most, the better you will feel.
I have to send them forgiveness for what they have done and remember that that’s all they know. I have to forgive them and their narcissistic behaviour, for me, not for them.
I also have to forgive myself for letting any of that happen to me in the first place. I’m not stupid or naive, I’m simply loving and caring and there’s nothing wrong with that.
That’s where true healing takes place.
How to move on after narcissistic abuse
I found this video on how to move on after narcissistic abuse and though I’ll admit, I had a hard time with his voice and accent but his message is great!!!
I’ll tell you right now, it’s tough and it’s a long slow healing journey. Here it is almost 7 years after I left my narcissistic partner and I still have triggers.
This is where self love really comes to play. You have to really dig deep and honour yourself and your emotions when a trigger shows up.
I usually do some deep breathing exercises. They may seem silly but they go something like this:
- breathe in good vibes and pink pixie fairy dust, full of love
- breathe out dark cloud and toxic person
- I picture this person in a bubble while I’m breathing out
- and watch this bubble get further and further away with each breath out
Sounds crazy I know, but it really really works.
There is life after a narcissistic relationship. It will feel funny at first, even awkward, but each day gets better and better.
If you are having a hard time doing those two things, loving and forgiving, and feel like you need more help please check out Kim Saeed’s courses. She is truly amazing.
Peace and Love
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