Last Updated on 1 year by Iva Ursano
For the longest time I had no idea what a narcissist was and hadn’t even realized that I was dealing with narcissists most of my life. Once I discovered this I set out to find a way to heal. Today I want to talk about healing from narcissistic abuse in two simple but powerful steps.
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Dealing with narcissists
You know, after every narcissistic encounter I always find myself having the “talk” with myself.
“Iva you knew that’s what they were why did you continue”?
“Iva, why do you keep attracting, or allowing, these people in your life”?
“When are you going to finally realize you are worthy of so much more”?
I can’t say that I beat myself up over it but it comes pretty close to that. Independent of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve been through it seems I still have a long way to go and so much more to learn. Not only about boundaries and setting healthy ones, but also about my self worth.
For some reason, it just always manages to fall to the wayside.
I try to turn a blind eye when dealing with narcissists. I know what they are and recognize their narcissistic behaviour but I have a tendency to just ignore it and suffer the punishment afterwards. How many of you do that too? Just put up and shut up?
I think many of us do that because we know it’s pointless to argue or try to reason with a narcissist. What we fail to remember is that we will spend many years healing from narcissistic abuse. If only we just stood up for ourselves and walked away.
Ah well. We live and learn.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist
I can’t even tell you how many times I ended up being in a relationship with a narcissist. How and why? Because I was lacking self love, self confidence, self respect, self worth….need I go on?
Are you with me here? Do you get all that? We attract what we think we deserve. I know, it’s pathetic.
So how do I keep ending up in relationships with narcissists?
I see life and just about everything in it through rose coloured glasses. I flutter around like a butterfly, sprinkling pixie dust and smiles everywhere I go. I’m also a Libra so, in all honesty, I’m doomed no matter how I look at it.
Why? Because I strive for peace and harmony, I despise conflict and I hate being the one who takes the assertion action to stop things.
With that said, I let people walk all over me. Pathetic, I know. Thank God I finally found the key, or should I say, two keys, to healing from narcissistic abuse.
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Helping a narcissist-is there hope?
I look for the good in everything. All the time. I believe we all can change if we want to. I believe that each and every one of us has some kind of good.
Even in really bad things, there’s good. I look for the good. I find the good. When I do that, it’s easier for me to turn a blind eye to the bad, no matter how much it hurts. I’m really not that stupid.
Narcissists aren’t totally nice people but they’re not totally evil either (don’t throw rotten tomatoes at me…this is my opinion only).
There is good in everyone. Even if it’s just a teeny sliver of good, it’s there.
See, I focus on that. I hold on to that. I cling to it in hopes that this person will also see the good and maybe change a wee bit. Is there hope for a narcissist?
Helping a narcissist, honestly, is kinda hopeless. It’s not up to us to change or fix people. That’s their job and they need to want to do that.
We can’t fix everyone
I’m not really, a fixer, though I think I am. Mind you, at this stage of the game, I am finally realizing that I can’t fix people, no matter how hard I try or want them to. I need to accept them as they are and either move on or stick around for whatever crap comes my way.
I so desperately want to fix people and make them see their mean ways. Make them see and understand how their actions hurt people. Why can’t they see this? If only they would just listen to me.
But I can’t and they won’t. I’ve learned to accept that. The only fixing to be done now is on myself. My self love, self respect, self worth and all those other selfs. Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time and it’s an awful lot of work but I realized the healing and fixing now is all about me.
Do narcissists know they are narcissists?
The million dollar question. Do narcissists know they are narcissists? Does anyone truly have an answer for that? Here’s my take on it.
I don’t think they do. I think that they think their behaviour is fine and normal. They see nothing wrong in who they are or how they treat people.
We have to keep in mind that most narcissists probably were raised by narcissists OR not raised properly. How they behave is the only behaviour they know. They think it’s ok. They also don’t care much about hurting people’s feelings. They also need love and I’m really good at giving love.
Healing from a narcissist
I have to tell my heart that I knew what I was getting into but I plunged in anyway. I have to remind myself of the lessons that were laid out for me and to learn them. I also have to work more on my self worth.
For me, the healing from narcissistic abuse is in the growing, learning, identifying and loving myself a little more. We tend to lose ourselves in the abuse and forget that we deserve more.
It’s about learning self care and honouring myself. It’s about loving my heart and who I am. Reminding myself that I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m just a woman who loves to give love and give everyone a chance to be good. I take all the goodness and fond memories with the narcissist and move on. I hold only the good in my heart now. The bad has no place there.
Healing from narcissistic abuse – 2 simple steps
The healing from narcissists for me comes in loving and forgiving. Not only the narcissist but myself as well.
I have to send them love and hope they heal from whatever demons are eating at them. I have to love myself enough to know that I’m ok with who I am and I’m just a loving caring person who wants people to heal from all their trauma.
The world doesn’t need more angry hateful people. The world needs more love. When we can openly send healing love to those who need it the most, the better you will feel.
I have to send them forgiveness for what they have done and remember that that’s all they know. I have to forgive them and their narcissistic behaviour, for me, not for them.
I also have to forgive myself for letting any of that happen to me in the first place. I’m not stupid or naïve, I’m simply loving and caring and there’s nothing wrong with that.
That’s where true healing takes place.
How to move on after narcissistic abuse
I recently did a video over on my YouTube channel, Women Blazing Trails, on how to leave a toxic relationship and how to find self love and self worth again. I think you might like it. Don’t forget to subscribe while you’re there.
I’ll tell you right now, it’s tough and it’s a long slow healing journey. Here it is almost 7 years after I left my narcissistic partner and I still have triggers.
This is where self love really comes to play. You have to really dig deep and honour yourself and your emotions when a trigger shows up.
I usually do some deep breathing exercises. They may seem silly but they go something like this:
- breathe in good vibes and pink pixie fairy dust, full of love
- breathe out dark cloud and toxic person
- I picture this person in a bubble while I’m breathing out
- and watch this bubble get further and further away with each breath out
Sounds crazy I know, but it really really works.
There is life after a narcissistic relationship. It will feel funny at first, even awkward, but each day gets better and better.
If you are having a hard time doing those two things, loving and forgiving, and feel like you need more help please check out Kim Saeed’s courses. She is truly amazing.
Peace and Love
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