Dealing with divorce is tough for many reasons. Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction. The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here. Many of us are feeling lost after a divorce or break up but there’s a secret for healing after a divorce.
You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working
So many of us had our entire lives invested in our relationships and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS. Whatever decisions we made through our marriage– whether they were personal or professional – were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?
When your relationships ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark. We don’t have to feel lost.
We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy dealing with divorce and the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.
Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward and dealing with divorce will be harder.
You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.
Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.
What Do I Want?
If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”
What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?
The things that are stopping us – the obstacles to our vision – are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:
What’s stopping me?
I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.
What’s stopping me?
I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?
Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.
Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do
You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.
Dealing with Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan
I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.
I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities – and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.
The Road Ahead
Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks – something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.
And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you. See how dealing with divorce isn’t as hard as you think?
Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers navigate their divorce and breakups with less guilt and more confidence, so they can move on with their lives.