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how to get over someone you love

How To Get Over Someone You Love (and move the f**k on)

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How to Get Over Someone You Love

UGH! I remember some 7 years ago or so, maybe more, when I left my abusive relationship of 8 years I spent many days wondering how I was ever going to move on from this. I think we all have these moments, amirite? We wonder if getting over someone is going to be hard af or a breeze.

Let’s face it, it’s hard. Period.

It feels like time just stands still. We’re scared, lost, dazed, and confused. The feelings will even be very different depending on whether you left them or they dumped you. In my case, I left him. Finally.

So the burning question we all have is how to get over someone you love. Isn’t there a magic wand that just makes everything go away overnight?

Don’t I wish there was one. Don’t we all. But let’s take a look at one thing first.

(This article contains affiliate links so if you make a purchase I make a small commission-affiliate disclosure)

how to get over someone you love

The Stages of Grief

We have to keep in mind that there are stages of grief that you need to go through before you can be happy again.

There’s grief and lots of it. Even if you left them you still grieve. You have been with this person for x amount of years and shared so much of your life with them.

Regardless of the fact that you may be ridiculously happy now, you are still going to go through the stages of grief. A loss is a loss. No matter what.

According to the website psychcentral.com, there are 5 stages of grief. They are:

  • denial
  • bargaining
  • anger
  • depression, and
  • acceptance

You can read more on this here- The Stages of Grief

I honestly think that if we understand the stages of grief better, we will also understand what is happening to us and be better equipped with how to deal with each emotion.

I didn’t know these when I was trying to get over my ex and I struggled and suffered a lot. Mm hmm. And there’s no shame in sharing that with you.

Though a lot of the stages of grief deal with death, I believe they also help us better understand relationship breakdowns and the emotions we go through as well.

I honestly wish I knew more back then. Grief sucks and it’s hard but we grow so much through each stage. It may feel like the end of the world at the time but trust me, you will come out, in the end, smelling like roses.

So how long does it take to get over someone you love?

That’s a good question and I really wish I had a good answer for you but I don’t. The amount of time it takes to get over someone you love will all depend on you.

The more you detach, stop thinking about them, and start moving on with your life, the easier it will be.

On the flip side of that, the longer you hang on, keep reaching out to them, or reminisce about how wonderful life was with this person, well, the longer it will take you to get over them.

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Why it’s so hard to get over someone you love

It’s not easy. Though I was the one who ended the relationship I still fought with emotions for almost a year.

I spent a full year in self-help recovery, reading some of the best self-help books I could find, watching Youtube videos on getting over someone, listening to audios on healing and recovery, downloading self-help pdfs. You name it, I did it.

You might like this post on some of the best self-help books out there!

6 of the Best Self Help Books That Will Totally Change Your Life

I didn’t know how to move on. I wasn’t sure I could. I was so weak and broken. I felt empty and worthless. I was alone and scared.

Do any of these feelings sound familiar? I bet they do. And they suck.

Sometimes we feel like getting over someone will take a lifetime. It won’t. It feels like that but trust me, it won’t. I promise.

I think if you follow some of the tips I will share with you now on how to get over someone you love, your healing will go a lot smoother than mine did! Ha! But it’s nice to have some help with this.

Sometimes we need someone to take us by the hand and help us and that’s totally ok. It’s ok to ask for and look for help. If you are struggling really hard right now with getting over someone I hope this post helps you. I really do.

Before we move on I want to share a video with you I found on YouTube that I think you might like. Also, while you’re there, please take a minute to check out my channel too, and hit that subscribe button!

I really like Psych2Go and watch a lot of their videos. Enjoy!

How to get over someone you love in 5 steps

I want to share with you now 5 steps on how to get over someone you love in hopes that it will help you on your healing journey.

We’re going to go pretty deep with this one. I want your transition to be as painless as possible. I want you to not have to suffer for as long as I did in my “moving on stage” of my life.

Though getting over someone, in fact, isn’t easy at all and will come with a ton of tears and fits of rage, it doesn’t have to be excruciatingly long and painful either.

I think if we understand each emotion we go through and are better prepared to deal with them, you will be able to move on a little easier and quicker. Here’s to hoping!

via GIPHY

Step 1-Remember the Bad

Now, this may sound like a no brainer but honestly, it’s not. We loved this person with all our hearts. We always looked for and found the good no matter how bad the bad was but you must not forget the bad.

All the ways they were bad are all the reasons why you left in the first place. Now if they dumped you, clearly there wasn’t much good there either.

Every time you cry over them and miss them with all your heart, take a minute to go through all the things you didn’t like about them that made the relationship really hard. I like to write things out and this may work for you too. More on that in Step 3.

Each time I thought about a bad thing I remember shouting to myself “Ya!! He’s a jerk!!” or whatever. And I ain’t got no time for jerks in my life. I deserve more. YOU deserve more!

Now I get that no one is perfect and we all have some bad in us. I know that. But what if the bad is so bad that it’s detrimental to your happiness, your self-respect and self-worth? That’s the kinda bad I’m talking about. The real bad!!!

Step 2-Loving Yourself

This is a tough one. So many of us have put aside or lost our self-worth and our self-love. We put aside a lot of things for this relationship. Some of us, myself included, even sacrificed our self-respect and self-confidence.

Don’t worry, we can get them all back.

In my self-help eBook mini-series, I wrote a book on how to love yourself again. It just might be the book for you. Click the link below or the image for more details and to grab your copy now!

How to Love Yourself Again

how to love yourself eBook

If you’re anything like me, you’re a people pleaser.

I’m now just starting to learn to say NO to others and YES to myself. We put ourselves and our lives on hold for so long that some of us may not even know who we are anymore.

Who were you before all that shit dimmed your spark?

I want you to dig deep and start thinking of all the things you love about yourself and I also want you to start doing things that bring you joy. Tons of ridiculous joy.

We all have sacrificed many things in our relationship for the other person. It’s time for you now and for loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved and that love needs to come from you first!

Remember we show people how to love us and if we don’t love ourselves, how can they know how?

Step 3-Write it Out

I want you to start writing yourself love letters. Do it daily if you have to. Here is a powerful example of a love letter I wrote a while back.

Dear Me, Damn You!!

It’s raw, real, and full of emotion.

When I left “John” years ago, I wrote an awful lot of letters, mostly truth letters, to him and how much I hated him and how he hurt me. These truth letters, or forgiveness letters, are also very powerful.

Here’s an example of a forgiveness letter I wrote to all the people who hurt me.

An Open Letter To All Who Hurt Me

The main reason I love writing letters (oh and by the way, for the love of God and everything holy DO NOT MAIL THEM OUT) is that they are very therapeutic. Too often we hold a lot of things inside. Anger, hurt, frustration, etc will absolutely manifest into physical pain.

Trust me on this one.

Here’s a small example of what happened to me:

While I was still with my ex we went through a really really rough patch and I was consumed with anger and hurt. It was debilitating. Then one day I got this terribly crippling pain in my back that sent me to the emergency at the hospital many times. Ibuprofen and Tylenol weren’t cutting it. It was about 6 months later of this excruciating pain that I realized I had manifested this pain from my anger and hurt.

True story!

That’s when I learned the power of writing truth letters to get all the hurt out. Try it. You’ll love it.

Step 4-The Feeling of Freedom

Aaah freedom.

I need you to admit something right now. This relationship you were in was toxic. Whether you believe it or not, it was. You were unhappy, he/she was unhappy, there were arguments, hurt, frustrating moments. There may have even been many moments you felt trapped or caged.

I know I did. MANY times!

For so long we held on to this relationship for all the wrong reasons. We were chained to this person and eventually got accustomed to living with all the negative behaviours.

That was the life we knew. We accepted it and stayed. Unhappy and caged.

But you’re free now!!!

You’re free to be yourself, love yourself, live your life the way you want, and embrace your freedom. You are officially an entirely new person.

Yippee!!

Now you may not see this right away but you will. It will come and go in waves, but it will come. Relish in that freedom. Keep your eye on that freedom.

Think of all the things you can do with your life now that you couldn’t do because you were in a relationship with this person. It’s all about you now babe!!

Step 5-Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

You’re gonna be thinking about “John/Sally” every damn day, every hour, maybe even every minute of the day and I totally get that but you have GOT to stop doing that.

If you want to know the most powerful way on how to get over someone you love, it’s to stop thinking about them so much.

Ok. Easier said than done. I know. I was consumed with thoughts about my ex after I left him. What’s he doing, where is he, why did he do that, is he ok, who’s he with, is he thinking about me too, oy. It was pure mental torture and it went on and on.

When I started finally doing things for myself, thoughts of him became few and far between.

You have got to flip the switch on the script in your head. Next time a thought like “what’s he doing right now” comes out I want you to immediately stop yourself and say “what kind of fun thing should I do right now for me!” or “man I love my l life now that I’m free”.

You have got to change your thoughts in order to change your life.

Getting over someone isn’t going to be easy if all you do is think about them. Stop doing that. Don’t follow them on social media (thankfully my ex is not on Facebook or any other social media), delete them from your contact list.

I need you to completely obliterate them from your life and contacts.

Yes, that’s hard to do but also yes it’s mandatory!!! How long you gonna go on for stalking them and contacting them and thinking about them? It has got to stop!!! Move on, let it go.

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How to get over someone you love isn’t easy but you can do it!!

Of course, you can do it.

It may seem hard and painful right now. I spent many days, weeks, and months sobbing hysterically into pillows and shouting obscenities at my ex. I was often curled up in a ball in the corner of the room wishing the world would stop and let me off.

It was the hardest and almost the worst period of my life.

But I made it and I know you will too!

I want you to do these things:

  • Honour all the feelings and emotions you will go through
  • Remind yourself how amazing you are
  • Tell yourself you are better off without this person
  • Look forward to the amazing life ahead of you
  • Find joy in things that make your heart sing

It’s all about you now my friend. It’s all about you!!

Please don’t forget to share this out with anyone you know who may need to read it. Sharing is powerful and caring xo

While I still have you here, take a peek at my self-help guide that talks a lot about getting over someone, forgiving people who hurt us, and how to love ourselves and live the life we deserve. Click the link or the image to learn more and download your copy now!

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6 Responses

  1. From a mans POV

    Not sure how we got here. I was always open to my partner that I was a bisexual man. But can and want to be monogamous with someone in an honest sexual relationship. It started right away, she could not let go of her emotional relationship with other. I knew and at first it was ok, but I felt unsafe and could not trust her. I could not tell her the most simple things because I was afraid. Then I started chatting with others on line. No sex, just chatting. I felt lonely emotionally, but that did not help. Our sex life became infrequent. She was sexually selfish. I found more and more of her conversations on line. I don’t know if it was sexual, but she was never here. I told her about my chatting hoping that she would be honest about her stuff, but she could not. One day one of the people she chats with, told me about their relationship. I became verbally abusive when we got into fights, just yell and I will forever be sorry about that, and yes I have told her how sorry I am. I just wanted her to be honest. We are both strong people. We could have figured anything out. I started getting depressed, not loving anything, mostly myself. After 12 years she was my compass. I finally started hating my life. I now know she used me. I supported everything we did, because when we had fun, it was the best. I became her meal Tix. Paid for everything she needed, even though I know she was emotionally gone and using me. I wish I had told her to leave a long time ago. I miss her so much it hurts. I do think she loves me, but not in love. I think she mostly wanted to be taken care of by someone else. I know we could have done better, but I think we where both too afraid. I want to expose her for what she is and has done, but I know better. I have to honor what good we had.

    1. Always just look at the good, learn and let go of the bad…xo

  2. I am so so so glad i saw your page i mean thankyou so much…i am gonna do all the things you said…THANKYOU AGAIN❤️

  3. I saw this and read all those point again and again……I know I can do it…..thanks a lot…..

  4. I hope these all will work for me i have to stop thinking after all these toxic grief. I feel so consumed from his thoughts and that is kind off devastating. Hope i will come out from all these. And surely i loved your post.🖤

    1. You will get through this. Grief is exhausting …start putting that energy into loving yourself now xoxo

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ABOUT ME

Iva Ursano is a retired hairstylist turned badass freelancer, who left behind 52 years of her life in Northern Ontario, Canada for a life of freedom, love and beauty in sunny Guatemala. She has two main purposes in life: feed hungry bellies and help inspire people to live a life of joy and love.

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