How to get over someone you love.
UGH! I remember some 6 years ago or so, maybe more, when I left my abusive relationship of 8 years I spent many days wondering how I was ever going to move on from this. I think we all have these moments, amirite? We wonder if getting over someone is going to be hard af or a breeze.
Let’s face it, it’s hard. Period.
It feels like time just stands still. We’re scared, lost, dazed and confused. The feelings will even be very different depending on whether you left them or they dumped you. In my case, I left him. Finally.
So the burning question we all have is how to get over someone you love. Isn’t there a magic wand that just makes everything go away overnight? Don’t I wish there was one. Don’t we all. But let’s take a look at one thing first.
The Stages of Grief
There’s grief and lots of it. Even if you left them you still grieve. You have been with this person for x amount of years and shared so much of your life with them. Regardless of the fact that you may be ridiculously happy now, you are still going to go through the stages of grief. A loss is a loss. No matter what.
According to the website psychcentral.com, there are 5 stages of grief. They are:
- depression, and
You can read more on this here- The Stages of Grief
I honestly think that if we understand the stages of grief better, we will also understand what is happening to us and be better equipped with how to deal with each emotion. I didn’t know these when I was trying to get over my ex and I struggled and suffered a lot. Mm hmm. And there’s no shame in sharing that with you.
Though a lot of the stages of grief deal with death, I believe they also help us better understand relationship breakdowns and the emotions we go through as well.
I honestly wish I knew more back then. Grief sucks and it’s hard but we grow so much through each stage. It may feel like the end of the world at the time but trust me, you will come out in the end smelling like roses.
Let’s move on to how to get over someone.
Getting over someone isn’t easy
Right? It’s not easy. I was the one who ended the relationship but I still fought with emotions for almost a year. I spent a full year in self help recovery, reading some of the best self help books I could find, watching Youtube videos on getting over someone, downloading self help pdfs. You name it, I did it.
You might like this post on some of the best self help books out there!
I didn’t know how to move on. I wasn’t sure I could. I was so weak and broken. I felt empty and worthless. I was alone and scared. Do any of these feelings sound familiar? I bet they do. And they suck.
Sometimes we feel like getting over someone will take a lifetime. It won’t. It feels like that but trust me, it won’t. I promise. I think if you follow some of the tips I will share with you now on how to get over someone you love, your healing will go a lot smoother than mine did! Ha! But it’s nice to have some help with this.
Sometimes we need someone to take us by the hand and help us and that’s totally ok. It’s ok to ask for and look for help. If you are struggling really hard right now with getting over someone I hope this post helps you. I really do.
How to get over someone you love
5 steps on how to get over someone
We’re going to go pretty deep with this one. I want your transition to be as painless as possible. I want you to not have to suffer for as long as I did in my moving on stage of my life. Though getting over someone in fact isn’t easy at all and will come with a ton of tears and fits of rage, it doesn’t have to be excruciatingly long and painful either.
I think if we understand each emotion we go through and are better prepared to deal with them, you will be able to move on a little easier and quicker. Here’s to hoping!
Step 1-Remember the bad
Now this may sound like a no brainer but honestly, it’s not. We loved this person with all our heart. We always looked for and found the good no matter how bad the bad was but you must not forget the bad. All the ways they were bad are all the reasons why you left in the first place. Now if they dumped you, clearly there wasn’t much good there either.
Every time you cry over them and miss them with all your heart, take a minute to go through all the things you didn’t like about them that made the relationship really hard. I like to write things out and this may work for you too. More on that in Step 3.
Each time I thought about a bad thing I remember shouting to myself “Ya!! He’s a jerk!!” or whatever. And I ain’t got no time for jerks in my life. I deserve more. YOU deserve more!
Now I get that no one is perfect and we all have some bad in us. I know that. But what if the bad is so bad that it’s detrimental to your happiness, your self respect and self worth? That’s the kinda bad I’m talking about. The real bad!!!
Step 2-Loving yourself
This is a tough one. So many of us have put aside or lost our self worth and our self love. We put aside alot of things for this relationship. Some of us, myself included, even sacrificed our self respect and self confidence. Don’t worry, we can get them all back.
If you’re anything like me, you’re a people pleaser. I’m now just starting to learn to say NO to others and YES to myself. We put ourselves and our lives on hold for so long that some of us may not even know who we are anymore. Who were you before all that shit dimmed your spark?
That happened to me.
I want you to dig deep and start thinking of all the things you love about yourself and I also want you to start doing things that bring you joy. Tons of ridiculous joy. We all have sacrificed many things in our relationship for the other person. It’s time for you now and for loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved and that love needs to come from you first!
Remember we show people how to love us and if we don’t love ourselves, how can they know how?
Step 3-Write it out
I want you to start writing ( I know, there’s that writing thing again) yourself love letters. Do it daily if you have to. Here is a powerful example of a love letter I wrote awhile back.
It’s raw, real and full of emotion. When I left “John” years ago, I wrote an awful lot of letters, mostly truth letters, to him and how much I hated him and how he hurt me. These truth letters are also very powerful. Here’s an example of a truth letter I wrote to all the people who hurt me.
The main reason I love writing letters (oh and by the way, for the love of God and everything holy DO NOT MAIL THEM OUT) is because they are very therapeutic. Too often we hold a lot of things inside. Anger, hurt, frustration, etc will absolutely manifest into physical pain. Trust me on this one.
Here’s a small example of what happened to me:
While I was still with my ex we went through a really really rough patch and I was consumed with anger and hurt. It was debilitating. Then one day I got this terribly crippling pain in my back that sent me to the emergency at the hospital many times. Ibuprofen and Tylenol wasn’t cutting it. It was about 6 months later of this excruciating pain that I realized I had manifested this pain from my anger and hurt.
That’s when I learned the power of writing truth letters to get all the hurt out. Try it. You’ll love it.
Step 4-The feeling of freedom
Aaah freedom. I need you to admit something right now. This relationship you were in was toxic. Whether you believe it or not, it was. You were unhappy, he/she was unhappy, there were arguments, hurt, frustrating moments. There may have even been many moments you felt trapped or caged.
I know I did. MANY times!
For so long we held on to this relationship for all the wrong reasons. We were chained to this person and eventually got accustomed to living with all the negative behaviours. That was the life we knew. We accepted it and stayed. Unhappy and caged.
But you’re free now!!! You’re free to be yourself, love yourself, live your life the way you want and embrace your freedom. You are officially an entirely new person. Yippee!! Now you may not see this right away but you will. It will come and go in waves, but it will come. Relish in that freedom. Keep your eye on that freedom.
Think of all the things you can do with your life now that you couldn’t do because you were in a relationship with this person. It’s all about you now babe!!
Step 5-Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
I totally get it. You’re gonna be thinking about “John/Sally” every damn day, every hour, maybe even every minute of the day but you have GOT to stop doing that. If you want to know the most powerful way on how to get over someone you love, it’s to stop thinking about them so much.
Ok. Easier said than done. I know. I was consumed with thoughts about my ex after I left him. What’s he doing, where is he, why did he do that, is he ok, who’s he with, is he thinking about me too, oy. It was pure mental torture and it went on and on.
When I started finally doing things for myself, thoughts of him became few and far between.
You have got to flip the switch on the script in your head. Next time a thought like “what’s he doing right now” comes out I want you to immediately stop yourself and say “what kind of fun thing should I do right now for me!” or “man I love my l life now that I’m free”. You have got to change your thoughts.
Getting over someone isn’t going to be easy if all you do is think about them. Stop doing that. Don’t follow them on social media (thankfully my ex is not on Facebook or any other social media), delete them from your contact list. I need you to completely obliterate them from your life and contacts.
Yes that’s hard to do but also yes it’s mandatory!!! How long you gonna go on for stalking them and contacting them and thinking about them? It has got to stop!!! Move on, let it go.
How to get over someone isn’t easy but you can do it!!
Of course you can do it. It may seem hard and painful right now. I spent many days, weeks and months sobbing hysterically into pillows and shouting obscenities at my ex. I was often curled up in a ball in the corner of the room wishing the world would stop and let me off. It was the hardest and almost the worst period of my life.
But I made it and I know you will too!
I want you to do these things:
- honor all the feelings and emotions you will go through.
- Remind yourself how amazing you are.
- Tell yourself you are better off without this person
- look forward to the amazing life ahead of you
- find joy in things that make your heart sing
It’s all about you now my friend. It’s all about you!! Please don’t forget to share this out with anyone you know who may need to read it. Sharing is powerful and caring xo
While I still have you here, take a peek at my self help guide that talks alot about getting over someone, forgiving people who hurt us and how to love ourselves and live the life we deserve. Click the link or the image to learn more and download your copy now!
I love you
Peace and Love
xo iva xo