Somewhere in between that first phone call and our first kiss, it happened. The flood gates of simmering emotion I’d buried for almost two decades crashed though the stone walls of my heart. I never intended to fall deeply and madly in love with you, again.
I never meant to pack my whole life and leave everything I knew behind to give love a chance. My self love, if I had any at all, didn’t stand a chance. It was too late before I realized I had trapped myself in a codependent relationship
You drew me in. Touched my soul in places I thought had died. Late at night we stood in your kitchen planning our future. We were a team. I was no longer me. We were us.
The chipping away of my spirit, the crushing of my soul happened slowly – it was in the little things.
Through all the late night tears as I watched you deep in a drunken slumber, I knew I was slipping away. I had disappeared into the abyss of you. I loved you but I was never going to be enough to love you though your tortured pain. I wasn’t the bottom of the whiskey bottle you craved.
The desperate search for my self love
I just knew in the moment that I couldn’t continue to pretend everything was okay, because it wasn’t. I never anticipated discovering just what was wrong.
I realize I was addicted to you, to your pain and suffering. I was addicted to trying to reach inside you and show you the love you craved. But I didn’t love me. My light died in the shadow of your darkness.
And here I am now, finally codependent no more!!
Breaking free from the codependent relationship
The heartbreak of losing you damn near killed me. Days, weeks, months passed and the tears refused to stop. I’d wake up in the morning with tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t want to get out of bed and face the world.
How could I? The man I loved didn’t chase me. You didn’t want me. You were gone. I’d walked away and you never gave me a backwards glance. It was as if I’d never existed to you.
You were my addiction.
You were my dream.
You were my future.
But I had it all wrong.
I am my addiction.
I am my dream.
I am my future.
I had to lose everything to win myself.
I am codependent no more.
Now when I think of you, which is often, I pray for you. I pray God touches your heart and heals your pain. I pray He releases you from your addiction and leads you into the life you were meant to live. I send love your way. I thank God for you every day.
In closing (from Iva)
Are you stuck in a codependent relationship?
Do you feel you are attached to someone and you know it’s unhealthy? I think we’ve all been there before and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Recognizing the signs of being in a codependent relationship is one thing but you must take steps to detach yourself from this person and start loving yourself again.
Finding yourself if you will.
Check out my self help guide From Hell to Happiness as I talk about letting go of things that no longer serve us, and help you build confidence and boost low self esteem.