Do you hate me or love me? I just don’t care. Sorry, not sorry.
BUT before you hate me already, really, let me explain myself a bit. I want my blogs to be of great reading enjoyment. I want them to hit whatever nerve they have to, but most importantly I want them to speak to you in a way that you need to hear.
When I was wallowing in my self pity and living my crap life, it was blog reading, ebook reading, and all that other personal development stuff that saved me. So here’s to hoping that just maybe, I can aid in saving you, if you’re up for saving and then maybe you can love yourself more and not care what others think.
Here are some of the self help books that got me through my worst times:
Do you hate me? Love me?
I used to care too much. For as long as I can remember I never really understood what love is. I know. It’s sad.
There was a time I used to do ridiculously stupid stuff just so people would like me. I do would do stuff and then can recall going home and thinking to myself “well that was stupid”. Peer pressure maybe I guess? I used to think peer pressure was just a high school thing but I’m a perfect living example that it’s not.
Peer pressure is the real deal. Even as adults.
If you were going to drink 60 oz of tequila and then drop two hits of acid and then go train jumping, well dammit if it meant being your friend, then I was gonna do that too.
Do you love me now?? I hope so. I just did all this stupid stuff to be your friend, make you like me, love me even.
Stupidity is what it was.
Sheer stupidity. As I got older, (and relatively came to my senses, what little I had then) it turned into me doing stupid stuff so that my boyfriend wouldn’t dump me. I would do whatever they wanted. I desperately wanted, needed and had to be liked, loved and wanted.
Period. It didn’t matter what I had to do.
Will you love me?
I was 51 years old when it finally hit me. Can you believe that? It took me all that time to wake up and realize what I had been doing for so many years for people to love me. Purely stupid things that I had been doing for all my life.
All my life I so desperately needed and wanted to be loved, needed, liked, respected. All that was happening was that my self worth was sinking lower and lower until it was almost non existent.
Actually by the time I realized what I was doing, I had no self nothing, nudda, zippo, zilch. No self love, value, respect, esteem, confidence. Nope. I was a shell of a person, Weak, vulnerable, naive and lost.
But I caught it. I recognized it. I woke up and wondered
- who am I?
- why do I let people keep walking all over me and trashing me so bad in hopes that they will like me?
- What on earth is the matter with me?
Who Am I?
And so began the long long long, wait one more, long healing journey of self discovery. I needed to realize that the only person who was supposed to love me was me and if I couldn’t do that then my problem was bigger than I thought.
And guess what? I didn’t like me. No wonder why you didn’t like me either.
I had to ask my self a very serious question. Who Am I?. I had to see if she was nice or not. I had to figure out what made her tick and if she had some serious crap going on that maybe needed working on.
By that I mean negative things, poor attitude, stuff like that.
Slow but sure I came alive again. I was learning new things about me. Some definitely needed changing, others just needed a bit of tweaking. By continuously asking myself who am I, more answers revealed themselves to me.
After almost one full year a whole new Iva emerged. A damn nice one too. One who doesn’t really put up with anybody’s negative crap any more and one who will stand up for what she believes in. One who will help another human being no matter what, and one who won’t put up with any one who is judgmental. Got no time for that.
Iva is full of self confidence, she’s loving, caring, with a touch of craziness. In a fun way. Crazy in a fun way that makes people laugh, smile and feel good about themselves. It took her a really long time to get here but she’s never been happier.
Iva is a nice person and if you don’t like her, she doesn’t really care.
What about you?
Are you still letting people walk all over you? Are you still sacrificing your self worth, esteem and respect so that others will love you?
I totally understand that sometimes when we are lonely or broken, we do really low self worth things to get people to like and love us. I spent my whole life doing that. But you don’t have to do that anymore. It’s important to dig deep and learn how to love yourself again.
Only then will we stop letting people cross our boundary lines. Only then will we know what real love is. Only then will be able to hold our heads high and confidently declare “I won’t let you treat me like that anymore and I don’t care if you like it or not, love me or hate me or not”.
When we get to that level, oh man, it’s liberating to say the least.
Love yourself first, the rest will all fall into place
Do you hate me or love me?
Either way, I’m ok with both. Do you hate me? Find out what I trigger in you that makes you hate me. Do you love me? I love you too. Even if you hate me, I still love you.
If you love me or hate me, I’ve learned to accept both. I’ve learned that as long as I love myself, nothing else matters. Especially not the opinion of others.
Peace and Love
xo iva xo